"yosi"

Katahimikan na sadyang nakakabingi ang bumabalot sa gabi kong matamlay.

Sana man lang makarinig ako ng kuliglig para maramdaman ko na may buhay sa aking paligid.

Tatlong oras akong nakahiga sa isang higaang niluma na ng panahon,

Dinalaw man ako ng antok, sadyang may misteryo ang katahimikang bumalot.

 Minabuti kong bumangon, binuksan ang bintana para damhin ang simo'y ng hangin... 

Buwan na rin ang lumipas bago ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob 

upang buksan ang isang bintanang pilit kong ikinubli sa likod ng kurtinang di man lang napalitan.

Sa bintana kung saan ako sumisilip upang tingnan kung ikaw ang lulan ng sasakyang duamaan...

kung saan mismo ako dumudungaw para ihatid ka ng tingin papalayo.
 Nakakatuwa, nakakalungkot, nakakaiyak.

Kakatapos lang ng ulan kaya ramdam ko pa ang lamig ng simoy ng hangin....

Ulan nga ba ang naging dahilan?

O sadyang may dala lang talaga ang hangin ng isang mensahe ng kalungkutan galing sa kung saan.

Di ko man mawari...

My mga pangyayaring di ko maintindihan kahit pilit kong inuunuwa.

Misteryong pilit kung tinutuklas

mga katanungan na hinahapan ng kasagutan

Yosi lang at ako ang nandito

sa bintana kung saan natatanaw ko ang madilim na kapaligiran
at rinig ko ang katahimikan.

Yosi ang tangi kong nakakasama

pag wala na ang liwanag, wala na ang ingay, wala na ang antok...
Yosi ang makakabatid ng lahat ng pangyayari...
kasabay kong makikinig sa ingay...
na habang tumatagal ay nagiging musika na rin sa aking pandinig...
pakiwari ko ay matatapos ang gabing ito na ako'y hihigang nakangiti...
napapansin ko na ang usok, sumasayaw at sumasabay sa tugtog...
pakiramdam ko ay dinuduyan na rin ako ng musikang aking pinakahihintay...
Yosi...

Classification "C": Physically fit to work, but with minor condition that may be treated during employment

I had my pre-employment medical assessment today at Cross Medical Services (laboratory, X-ray, and Drug testing Clinic). I passed the drug test, physical exams were unremarkable, and had normal chest findings. However I was classified under “C”, I am physically fit to work but with minor condition that may be treated during employment. I was diagnosed with Urinary Tract Infection. My visual acuity appears normal except for my right eye having 20/30 vision. I was prescribed with antibiotic for seven days two times daily to cure the UTI and I had my eye wear to help me with my eye problem. And also, I wanted to note my weight which dropped from 53 kilos down to 47 in four months time . 

Earlier today, I thought of not going to process all these. In fact, the list of requirements was given to me three days ago and it was only today that I was able to convince myself to work on it. All my phones were on silent mode and I don’t accommodate calls in the idea that the agency might check on me. I’m not in the mood, not motivated, and feeling tired despite my “sleep-all-I-can” activity.

Then there’s an attending physician I met whom I mistaken as an assistant (he assisted me voluntarily so that was an honest mistake!) added more feelings of hesitation. A practitioner of three years , he was, tried to inspire me to go back to medical school instead of working. He talked more about his experience and commented a little about mine. He mentioned how he cursed his profession the day before his board exam which he passed, and then he just stayed home for two years without attending to any patients, just a home-sweet-home grandee. Well, that sounds great because there is another licensed doctor that been in my shoes. If only I had the courage to tell my mother that I wanted to study again, I will. But I have to make a stand for my declared wants. They might think I’m not firm on making decisions if I change my plans again. I don’t want to be labeled as a person who never finish what she had started.

I guess the best thing I heard from him and I never realized this until this afternoon actually is to live your life in a day to day basis. If your having a hard time and "tomorrow" is just a burden of today, live your day like there is no tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day to live by so finish what you have for today because you might not have enough time for unfinished tasks of yesterday. And if your already good, enter the room of complication little by little. Accordingly, it is a good way to prevent burning yourself out. True, why do I have to stress myself thinking of the next thing to do when in reality I have so much to work for at the present. 

Notwithstanding my sluggishness and my doubts, my requirements are almost complete. I just have to process my police clearance on Monday to complete the list. I already had in hand seven copies of Birth Certificate, three copies of E1 form from the Social Security System, three copies of medical certificate, two copies of Diploma as well as Transcript of Records, four copies of 2x2 and 1x1 pictures, and two pieces of long folder with fastener. My only hope is that the job is still available for me.

That's it for now, I needed some good laugh. Sis Aicee, brod Lom and I are going to have a cup of coffee again at Starbucks. I'm excited for my caramel macchiato! See yah!

Missing my bestfriends

10 years of friendship and counting... I"m the luckiest for having them.

We've known each other since our second year high school way back in the year 2000. Our friendship was and is always bonded by our differences—that is, we are able to load and support each others craziness. We’re indeed lucky we are able to manage that thing. I always believed that we’re also strengthened by time for our friendship has its own flaws. I can’t remember how the three of us exactly had met up. That doesn't matter anymore, my hope now is that we will be counting years together.

So, how are them to me when I’m troubled? Bez she is the frank one, she never failed to slap me with reality. Bez Ellyn on the other hand never failed to ruin my moment of sentiments—she is good at making extreme moods reversed.  

That’s why I wished to be with them right now so that someone will slap me and will make me laugh.

I Will Be There – Kyla Music Code

This song is our favorite. Bez Ellyn used to send me lyrics of this when I'm down :)

White Flag

I can't think of any words to express what is inside me when my silence reminded me of Dido's white flag.
Since this is exactly what I'm feeling I'm going to let this song do the ranting today.

My Nightmare

I know that it is such a miserable sentiment to hope that sad episodes never took place and good ones just remained.

Despite my disgust, I still dreamed of you like you were just beside me. Why is that? There were early morning tears, for I always attempt to make you a call to ask why you’re not home yet. Why you’re not beside me? I always fail to remember that you’re gone for almost a year.

I long for your hug when I needed one.  I missed being protected by someone whose reason to do so is not of his essence. I desire for another night of late talks where I can cry like a child because I’m hurt and I’m having a hard time with my life.

I’m missing you each time I’m troubled. I wished you were here right now.

God knows, I wished to wake up from these nightmares and if I will, I’ll promise myself not to sleep again.

Daily Tarot Card

I couldn't agree more.This is exactly what I need.

I was carried away by my emotions...

My sincere apology for flooding my facebook wall with such posts. I was carried away by my emotions, so extreme as it is, that I was not able to control myself. I should have confronted her, talk to her in person instead of acting like a 5th grader.  I'm sorry for not presenting myself properly, I pleaded guilty for that. However, I'm not taking back my words. My fault was to published my emotions and not feeling such way.

No, I'm not going into details. I just want to be frank for I felt like being betrayed. SERIOUSLY!
I know that was so plain, and what happened was shallow. But the idea that she can actually do such thing is stressing me. I've been through a lot and what she did spark some memories of betrayal. Perhaps, what happened was just a cheery on a top of an icing and cake. I've been bending my back for her, rescheduling my appointments several times. I'm trying to understand her actions as much as I could. For that, I'm just tired of inconveniencing myself for the convenience of others. I am so fed up.

I wished I could cry away my hate for her so tomorrow everything will be fine. 

For now, I am going to bed, I'll sleep if I can

KAPATIRAN

Kapatiran nga lang pala to. Hindi nga pala 'to isang tunay na pamilya.

Pasensya na kayo, umasa ako at naghintay ng totoong kapatid sa inyo.

Ganito ako kapag mahalaga ang isang bagay sa'kin, Masasaktan ako sa pinakasimpleng paraan.

Masyado ko lang sigurong sineryoso ang salitang KAPATIRAN.

Kapatid... Kapatid... Kapatid... Kapatid... kapatid? Punong puno ng mga kapatid na walang pagpapahalaga sa kapwa nila kapatid. Ang sakit no, kasi may mga taong totoo na nadadamay.

Gustuhin ko mang magsalita, gustuhin  ko mang  maglabas ng sama ng loob...mahirap, kasi alam ko sa bandang huli ako pa rin ang lalabas na masama. Hindi ako perpekto wala akong karapatang magsalita.

Sana nga hindi na lang kita kapatid. Sana hindi nyo na lang ako naging kapatid. Mas naging madali siguro ang lahat para sa atin.

Pero pakinggan nyo ang dinadaing ko, sa una at sa huling pagkakataon:

Kung sarili mong kapatid ang hindi maniniwala sayo...

Kung sila mismo ang dahilan kung bakit ka nasasaktan...

Ayaw mo man paniwalaan meron dyan na hihila sayo pababa...

Handang gumawa ng hakbang para maging ibang tao ka...

Masakit man, pero may magbabanta sa mga pangarap mo sa buhay...

Kung kaya mong ipahamak ang sarili mong kapakanan para lang sa kanila...

hindi na tama di ba?

Sana ramdam nyo ang nararamdaman ko... nahihirapan ako. Hangad ko ang maliwanagan

Kung sana pwdeng pumili no? sana ikaw... ikaw lang ang brod ko, ikaw lang ang sis ko.

Dalawang tao ang pilit na nagbibigay sa akin ng sapat na rason para manatili sa kapatirang pilit kong pinagtatanggol, kapatirang walang sawang nagbigay sakin ng rason na dapat ay lumayo na ako noon pa man.

Ilang beses kong pinasawalang bahala ang mga nararamdaman kong sama ng loob noon...

Kung matatandaan nyo, minsan ko ng tinangkang kumalas sa samahan. Bumalik ako hindi dahil sa napilitan ako, bumalik ako kasi umasa ako na balang araw may mga brods at sis natin na magiging totoo din.

Nabigo ako, hanggang dito na lang. Ayoko na, nakakapagod.

Salamat sa lahat... di na ko magsasalita kung ano man nararamdaman ko. isusulat ko na lang siguro sa hangin. Balang araw malilimutan ko din ang lahat ng sama ng loob ko sa inyo...

at kung ano man ang nagawa kong kamalian, alam kung meron, hind ko man napapansin sa lahat ng oras...hindi man ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob upang lumapit para humingi ng tawad... hiniling ko sa maykapal ang kapatawaran nyo.

Mula sa oras na 'to...mag iiwanan ako dito mismo sa kinakatayuan ko ng ilang bagay na nakakabigat na sa'kin.

Mag-ingat tayong pareho...

Maligayang paglalakbay kapatid.

Metal and String Puzzles

The idea is to to solve the puzzle by disentangling one of its metal pieces without bending, cutting, or otherwise destroying its shape. It is a mind stimulating, challenging, as well as irritating kind of entertainment. Hot-tempered should back-off because this game will just start a bad day.


Because  I know that enthusiasm is part of the  game I picked up the simplest metal and string from the box. I am not a freak! I'm just bored and at the same time curious.

To make the long story short, ( because my mind was tortured!) I've been interrupted  by the following ideas:

1. You can never solve a problem without knowing what the problem is all about.

For a minute or two I was just trying to play blankly, inserting one part to another without any point. Until I was told of the objective: " to disentangle the piece of  the ring" attached at one end. At that time I got a clear idea of what to accomplish.  


 2. You can never solve a problem without thinking how to. 

I also realized that I needed to study the whole structure and plan what moves to make. It made a difference. A pause for  while to plan out can save a lot of time. 

3. You can never use a force to make things happen.
Too much of force can ruin things. Every single thing has proper way, if it is seems not to fit, maybe something is wrong.

4. Patience is very important.
Impatience can spoil your mind which will lead to a bad attitude preventing you to make a success.  

mission accomplished!

So that's it for now because there are three more boxes of metal and string puzzles waiting for me out here. 
see yah!

To-do-list

It is raining again and I can no longer understand the show I'm watching. So I decided to write down my to-do-list instead of maximizing the volume or sit near the television just to hear.  By the way, I have a lifetime to make this happen. No pressures!

•  Travel alone

Been traveling with friends but what I really planned lately is to travel by myself. My ultimate escapade is to travel like a freeman. I bet this is the time that I could make decision for myself without depending to anyone. The idea that no one else is there around is a good motivation and sooner as I hoped before my travel ends, I will feel and will realize that I am capable of making good decisions. 

• Drive my own car

 

To go anywhere I want to, may it be to work or not. I feel that those women driving their own cars are all self dependent.  I admire them for being such. I want to be one of them in the near future.  Their is a little changes in details of my plan though because this time I want a red one. During my 18th birthday, I told my friend I always wanted a blue car! the very next day he painted a blue sports car, framed it and gave it to me. Sweet friend. 

• Surf the wave at La Union

La Union is one of my target travel destination

A way to learn to go with the flow, I guessed. It is not a good idea to be standing against the odds all the time just to show the world you're different, sometimes we need to blend in, and go where the current goes. A little adjustment will do to survive. Sometimes it will lead us to the right path. 

• Learn foreign language

French and Spanis

To feel how it was again to be like a grade schooler learning the right grammar and pronunciation. Learning foreign  language is exciting. I guess, it is all good to speak not just of native tongue, a rewarding skill to acquire.

• Own a library

My library @ yoville.com

Of course I already had one, I created a library at yoville community. But I wanted a library that is not just created but is built--a real one. I am fascinated by homes with their own library filled with books of all kind. I wanted to have one of my own where I can read anytime I want too.

• Own a beachfront house

 Because life is simply a beach.  I also had one at yoville community worth 34,000 yoville coins :) and I wished beachfront house is also that cheap!!! The mere fact that I love sunset so much inspires me to own one someday :) 

• Engage in sports

A good way to discipline. Although I never been into sports. I only played because of P.E. class, that's all. But since I am no longer a student, I want to learn sports for my own good. Badminton, Lawn Tennis, Golf are on my top list!

• Climb a mountain

Simply because I wanted to conquer  the world. I know climbing a mountain will not do the trick but the feeling is there. My experienced is way back my grade school years during our annual camping. I want to experience a real mountain climb. 

• _____________________

I will intentionally leave this blank. I know I want something but I have no idea what it is!! :) 

The Show Must go On...

Quite disappointed a little bit for I felt everyone is in doubt of me. My cousin just was asking for my assurance that I really wanted a work and that if I can handle the pressures of being an administration assistant otherwise known as office secretary more likely a servant of the staff.

• I was presented with responsibilities I’m going to partake with: make cups of coffee, manage the garbage area, do the errand, serve as communication and information assistant, do some janitorial stuff and a lot more administrative and clerical job.
• I was told that I am “over qualified” for the job because of my educational background but I was thinking that I am actually under qualified because they might trying to consider my capacity to be one since I am not used to it.
• I was informed that they’ll pay me with a minimum wage (300php) and I am under agency which honestly saddened me because I’ll be wearing T-shirts instead of skirts. That doesn’t matter much anyway.
• The Japanese Manager of the company who interviewed me yesterday felt bad for several reasons; they’re paying my cousin 20x higher than minimum, I’ll only work for five months, and there were other “your Cousin is this kind and that kind” issues that confused them to put me on a lower job position.

Despite these warnings, I’ll stand still and not be discouraged. The show must go on. My idea is to start again like back to zero level. It’s a noble job and its the mere fact that I graduated three years ago--I can’t consider myself a fresh graduate anymore. My knowledge I learned from college is no longer active. I am totally dumbed by time. I need to open my mind as well as my options; any job will make a good start.

Full-time Applicant

I'm thinking that maybe by now... I deserve an I.D. for being a regular applicant!

 :D

This job-hunting activity is exhausting. My interview and exam @ KNSI as administrative assistant earlier today is my 10^th on the list. For the past month, I was invited for an interview for the following:

·         Customer service representative

·         Medical Transcriptionist

·         Associate in Banking Reconciliation

·         Data Analyst

·         Front Desk Officer

·         Insurance Account Specialist

·         Medical Service Reperesentative

…And I’m waiting for the rest:

·         Loan Assistant

·         Medical Representative

·         Lab technician

·         Pharmacy Assistant

·         Fraud Prevention Agent

·         Billing Specialist

·         Health Care Associate

I’m Biology degree holder and I already opened my options to all kind of jobs available. The only assurance I can offer the employers I’m applying at is that I am always willing to learn and be trained. Sad to say, I failed to pass the screenings one after another. I am such a loser. That’s why I can’t get over with HSBC thing! If only I am responsible enough maybe I already got a job today. Loser!

Anyway, I’m actually trying to disregard my sentiment for today that I stumbled on another rejection. I’m getting use to it.

Ain't easy being a BUM

To those who are currently jealous of me because I seem to be a happy-go-happy even not so lucky 24-year-old future MD, THINK! Believe me, after reading this blog entry, you’ll feel sorry that you once wished to be in my shoes.

Right after my job interview and exam! 

Since I am out of school this year, I needed to find a job. I already ran out of resume. I produced several copies and gave them out to employers in Manila  and Quezon City yet still jobless up to now.


I even thought of standing at the mall entrance to distribute copies of my resume to the shoppers—like a promo girl or something?
 That was a joke of course...a product of my desperation. I am already bored with my life the reason why I move from one place to another. 
A lucky tramp I am that a lot of my friends are actually willing to adopt me for no good or bad reason. But for it’s not a good idea because I always believe that to stay together with friends under one-roof for a day or two is fine. On the third day everything will change, come on! Even fishes stink on the 3rd day! Everyone deserves a break; the excitement is there when everyone misses each other, right?

I still receive weekly allowance from my parents so every week I’m suffering for a “conscience-attack syndrome”. (I coined that syndrome from nowhere for the sake of describing what I feel). To tell you the truth, they’re giving up on me too. Everyday my mother will tell me I should find a job instead of sleeping and waiting for them to send me allowance. And sometimes, I am tempted to answer them back that I got no magic to do what they want. This is not my choice and this is beyond my control. Since I have no right, and I have nothing to show them I just shut my mouth and keep it inside me.

There were times I thought of going back to med school this early…I mean this late because the school year had already started three months ago. Arg! Let me explain “this early” for it might confuse you. This early because I think that it is too early to give up on job haunting. Besides, my pride is at stake, the mere fact that I requested for my transfer credentials—it’s a matter of subjecting me to humiliation. I’ll stand for my decision despite my eagerness to pursue my dream.

My life is plain and simple: my survival depends on how much money I got in my pocket. I can even survive without going home for a day or two: take the MRT, transfer to a jeepney, stop at the public comfort rooms, eat at the nearby carinderia or food chains, spend hours at the mall and when evening comes ride a bus so I can sleep. It is fun. And when I get tired I just head myself to Carmona where I really reside (I'm not homeless anyway) and sleep like I’m not aware of developing a bedsore.

Instead of living this in despair I preferred to live it my way… laugh with it, make fun out of it. 
I’m being honest that being a bum is not easy but I love it. I love my friends!

IceCream, Chicken, Siomai
Luch time;)

So how’s your life?

OneNote

I just checked my one-note file and this is what I found! Surprisingly, I never thought I wrote this note. I'm feeling sad because it seems to me that I am always on a search. I always seek for something that is never found.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dated June 8, 2010:
"Constantly Changing" 

Each person I know is talking about how depressed our town is becoming.

As a certified lasso that established and became comfortable in a rustic ambience, my first impression was that not everyone can actually appreciate the beauty like I do. I’m the kind who desire to breathe fresh air, to walk bare-footed along the seashore, to hear early morning birds making melody. I wanted to live in a place where crickets and frogs blend their noises and are making splendid music during the evening—to live a simple life. 

Aklan can offer a lot—more than Boracay Island do.

I asked for nothing more nevertheless I’m also asking for nothing less.

Days passed by. Each day marks another day of down in the dumps. All the splendid creations vanished in a blink of an eye. Things I appreciated yesterday became the one I hate today.

I’m starting to prove them right. Maybe, those who leave for whatever reason they’re holding to had made the right decision. Maybe, those who decided to stay had no other choice but to be contented.

I wanted to run away from here and go somewhere else instead. I don’t understand why I am so desperate to abandon our town which also means to stay away from my love ones. I feel like I’m not in the right place although I know I am. God knows how confuse I am right now and how eager my heart is seeking for clarity.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's all...

Rain

I thought of rain as a magical way of Mother Nature to sprinkle the world with a final touch of sadness to perfect the existing mellow drama.  It is her simplest way of drawing out picture of unwanted memories—the one you tried to suppressed for years.  Why is that sometimes time is not enough to heal. Is the effort to move on not enough or is it the thing that triggers the comeback?  Maybe it is how life goes; even the successful surgery can lead to recurrence of the defect, right?  Nothing is done perfectly. There are things that are meant to be no matter how much you tried to get rid of.

Well! Don’t get me wrong because I can assure everyone that everything was accepted. Only that it is really sad to remember what went before.  I have no intentions to bring up “what if” –it’s not how I feel. It’s a simple look back that made me smile, nod, and give a little sigh.

Maybe it is not meant to be buried because a simple recall like this can bring disappointment—I failed not to remember it! 

Maybe I’ll set things to being "accepted” and I have to remove the word “forget” as part of my journey?  That’s it!

Still… It amazes me how the rain outside disturbed my feelings.