Bananacue for breakfast

I made this caramel-coated deep-fried overly-ripe banana for breakfast
Perfectly done for myself :)

Yes, you read it right! I prepared bananacue (only it's not skewered) for  breakfast, one of the most popular and the best-selling afternoon snack for most Filipinos. I know I'm too early for a snack but this one is today's first meal.

Well, since everyone already  had their breakfast done, I have to prepare something to eat for myself. So, I peeled off  four pieces of overly riped banana (been neglected from our kitchen), rolled each piece over white sugar and deep fried them at once until they were all  coated with the melted sugar.

There, Served with a cup of hot chocolate. (Cold soda would be so damn perfect for this:))

I have to go and eat already!
Good morning by the way :)

The "leeches" within us

Are you one of us?

People in our lives always have reason why they tend to stay and of course hundreds and thousands of  reasons why they suddenly go. Among those reasons? survival! 

In a way it's not at all a sudden thing to be left behind or to go away. Partly...perhaps...it is us being preoccupied that made us blind not to see bad things coming our way. Preoccupations and ignorance of what really the problem is. How can you fix something you're not aware of?

People come...people go because there is a need to survive.

We have to understand that as humans, we normally look after the things that could nourish our existence. Most of the time we go for things that can make us happy even others are not. We live to survive and we are all attracted to pleasures.  As a matter of fact, only a few of us will choose to stay and live in agony. Why sacrifice if there's an easy way to get rid of pain? Nowadays, you can always find a new and a happy place anytime and anywhere you wanted in an instant.

Relationships, friends, sisterhood, brotherhood and  for the worst, families--once a treasure but today it is something replaceable.

We are all leeches in our simple ways. We tend to attach ourselves to someone/something that could make us happy... . We satisfied ourselves with what we need. Then before be knew it and when we feel it is enough... detachment seems to be very easy. No buts and whys. Sad but true. We all have the power of choice.

Letting go and leaving things behind is normal when we have reasons. We have to deal with the truth: letting go is not the only hardest sentiment. To  go away feels exactly just the same. Both side get hurts.

So don't hate anyone if they'll choose to leave, they just need to SURVIVE...

"Squeling Aside"

I am Cristy, from UPHSL Chapter Batch '08-A with batch-name "Forsan Miseros Meliora Sequentor".

I am a part of Beta Sigma Fraternity. "Malmonet" as they called me. I used to be proud and carried its name as my own. My actions and words were all guided by its principle.  I once thought to cultivate the seeds of love and uproot the weeds of hatred. I was advised  not to make actions that can lower our dignity.

I am not a member of Sigma Beta Sorority (just to make myself clear) but again, I am a part of Beta Sigma Fraternity--the "Beta Sigma Ladies Corps".

With my name, I am humiliated and neglected by some of the members. I once fought for our right but one day I woke up feeling tired. I feel numb, or perhaps I can't feel the members anymore. I leave behind the Fraternity pin that represents me and the proof that I am ready to sacrifice sweat and blood for its name.

I wrote:

Cristy May B. Espańola

College of Medicine

University of Perpetual Help-DJGTMU

December 14, 2009

Beta Sigma Fraternity and Beta Sigma Ladies Corps

University of Perpetual Help System of Laguna Chapter

Bińan, Laguna

Beta Sigma Fraternity and Beta Sigma Ladies Corps:

Good Day!

I, Cristy May B. Espanola, a member of Beta Sigma Ladies Corps, batch 2008-A (Forsan Miseros Meliora Sequentor) would like to inform everyone that I, of free will, planned to surrender all the Fraternity items that was given to me, and that I am no longer a member of Beta Sigma Fraternity and Beta Sigma Ladies Corps effectively today, December 14, 2009.

I am aware that turning my back away from all of you is degrading for I was trained not to quit no matter how hard the situation is. But if quitting will set my conscience free, then I will because I can no longer afford teaching an aspiring individual how to become a good Beta Sigman and  convincing them to join while I am aware of all our conflicts. Simply, I cannot give what I don't have.

I have nothing against with teachings and principles, it is indeed good and perhaps had given me reasons for behaving in many ways—I was motivated, inspired and thankful but it happens that my lights were gone and walking in darkness is so impossible.

Our differences is not an issue but making each other different is a big deal. I hate the fact that everyone of us seems to enjoy putting each other down instead of helping each other up...that instead of hitting each other with reality to wake him/her up we tend to hit each other for the sake of hitting. Cultivating the seeds of love, uprooting the weeds of hatred most especially among members were forgotten by all of us—a sad reality.

In addition, I  always believed that I was a failure in all my obligations, responsibilities, and duties for the fraternity—fair enough to dishonor me. And now that I can no longer feel and find essence of being a member of Beta Sigma Ladies Corps, allow me because if I’ll not quit today I’ll surely hate the fraternity sooner or later.

I am giving you assurance that all your teachings and principles will be kept and will remain a secret.

Thank you  very much... and more power to your Fraternity!!!

Sincerely Yours,

Cristy May Bautista Espańola

 This letter was rejected by the chapter since a lot of the member still believe in one of its adage that "once a Betan, is always a Betan".

The Betan spirit is with me all this time despite what happened.

Once empty

The living room is intended for general and leisure activities thus becoming the center of family's fun zone (I remembered that from one of the discussions way back my elementary years ). Well, at least for most of Filipinos it is one cozy place where the whole members of the family come to together to gather and have some fun from time to time.

The most live-in room in the house I supposed. But that kind of definition will not work to my family having the living room here as the most abandoned. It is where we hang our laundry's during rainy days. So instead of fancy wall decors we got a colorful clothesline all over. In addition, Since it is very typical for us to keep worn-out stuffs and throwing them away is a big no! it is safe for me to say that it is a room full of beautiful junks, some were recycled.

Obviously no one likes to hang-out only to harass oneself with loneliness.Believe me, sitting down in what I once coined "Cleopatra-inspired set of my mother" defines an empty space so I personally ignores this room since we moved in on May of 1998.



 I also made this one:)

  I only cleanup when expecting visitors even though most of the time we used to accommodate them outside for fresher air. Not this time! Earlier, I felt like spoiling my daily routine (that includes sleeping and watching non-sense drama series).

I removed the clothesline, put curtains on, and called my brother to rearrange the Cleopatras since I can't do it myself. There, not so great but it looks like a whole lot better. A simple and such a good way to start the week. :)

I'll find time to sit down here and read good books one of these days.

...so as my life

Lately, I deleted lists of people from my facebook account whom I never meet in person.  Then I started to hide posts of some friends especially those who are making great life. I hate seeing them celebrating and achieving. It made me feel bad but I don't want to be totally disconnected so they'll stay hidden for awhile.

While my friends is celebrating life, allow me to post a picture of my messy room--a little picture of the world I'm partly in. Untidy, stinky, dark and isolated just like my life.

I have no man to publish this blog entry to any of my other social account. I just wanted to rant hoping to realize something good before having my signature and clicking the publish post bottom.

I got a messy room. This is where I sit and think of  what and where could I be if I'm not here. This is supposed my comfort zone but look at it. I should be planning of skyline walk at Cebu City, Palawan escapades, sunset at Boracay Island, perhaps enjoying the cold weather at Baguio City with someone special, learn to surf at La Union. Instead of that, I imagine myself changing baby's diaper everyday, I'm troubled on how to carry a baby, and I am indeed suffering over the thought of staying at home all day.

Often times I thought of me being selfish for bringing an innocent in this weary world. I wonder if I can truly protect and can provide needs. If I can be a mother who can raise and grow a good citizen. I am just a bum. I am an anxious mom-to-be who wishes for nothing else but to free her child from mental and emotional problems so that he or she can handle the demands of the world.  How could that possibly be with this kind of attitude?

My baby will surely kick my ass and slap me the hardest if he/she can read this blog right now. This is absolutely bad. I should be posting my happy thoughts and talk about contentment more than ranting. Anyway, I am undeniably fortunate for having them. I just can't deny this side. My apologies.

Anyway, today is Sunday...I have to go and clean my room. I am hoping to clean up my life and clear my mind the soonest I can for my baby and my man.

See yah!

Dear little angel of mine,

baby, I love you

I don't know how you look like by now yet for me you are the most beautiful and I am sure that you will be that one who will wear the sweetest smile.

Today, I promised that I will be there for you on this journey and that being alone means more than I can never let you feel. You will never feel alone. Only love, care, security...Mommy will always there for you whenever and wherever life will bring us. I will always do my best and be the best mommy that I can be.

Baby, you already brought love and happiness to everyone out here and I can't imagine what changes you will still bring about with mommy and daddy's lives.

I am looking forward for the day  I'll be hearing your first cry and feel you around my arms. Daddy can't be here for awhile, but I'm telling you he is more excited than I am. We both love you and you will always be the best gift we ever got.

We are so eager to see. This won't take long until we see each other, please be strong. Mommy and daddy can't wait to see you.

By the way Baby, thank you for letting me feel this kind of love. I love you more each day.

Feels like what?!?

Today, I’m on my 18^th week. That was calculated based on my LMP which is not at all accurate. I'm doing good. I am fine. I'm happy.

Crap! 

Who told you pregnancy is a happy thing and where does "Wow!!! congratulations for being a mom-to-be!!!" started?. This kind of notion everyone has is pathetic.

The truth is sometimes I'm feeling good, the other times I feel unsecured.

Nowadays,  being appreciated is not enough . People around told me how pretty a mom-to-be I am like no other. Still, I feel like a perfect crap. The ugliest and a stinky pregnant who  hated to clean herself.

Then my insecurities with my partner's  past relationship bothers me a bit for the past month. I can't help it. I am worried for not having a strong foundation. But I was assured and felt the sincerity. Hypocrisy aside, I never felt so secure like this before. Well, not a perfect security one may be having. There are still things beyond our control that feeds this insecurities of mine.  The trust we're needing is certainly the center of our relationship. whew! You can never tell, so do I. Who knows about tomorrow anyway? No one does. Things can change in an instant. The world is tricky and the unknown will remain.

On top of this, I've been careless during the first "crucial month", ignorance though but can't help it but to feel guilty.   I underwent surgical extraction of an impacted molar which involves anesthetic, pain relievers and antibiotics. Not to mention the beers and cigars every Saturday night with my cousins and friends. With these reality, birth defects and complications been on my mind. 


My attitude is such a torture to my baby's development. I pleaded guilty for that. Now that I am on my half way of pregnancy, my prayers is that my baby will be freed from difficulties and be healthy despite all. My hope is a strong family ahead of us.