I
decided to eat my lunch two hours earlier than usual. I
spent my 50-minute lunch break at my desk for a supposed indispensable
self assessment. My mind, having been over powered by my emotions,
no longer functions.
If only the trunk line at my desk could favor me, I would probably make an urgent call to the luckiest person that I know to ask if HE is there. Why that
desperate? Because direct calls doesn’t work anymore.
But guess what...Every time I tried to stop calling on HIM it made disappointments acceptable and my burden lighter--maybe because I was not expecting of someone watching for my safe journey. Sometimes, the feeling of being alone can keep you going--it can make you strong like you never thought you can be.
I just don't know why I was so tempted to call him this time...
In
2007, a long and a winding road had given me enough reason to sign up for a site. "cristymay.multiply.com" became my hiding place, my bin for my trashes, my megaphone for my shouts. It was always a
relief by then to hang out online and let go of ramblings from time
to time. Those were the times I felt I was heard and understood because a
lot of my contacts tend to connect with me almost sincerely. My posts gathered comments like “yeah, I know how it
feels” or I always had a shoulder tap from a friend the very next day while saying “hey, I read your blog”.
In
2009 I decided to concentrate on posting pictures than posting blog entries in
the thought that pictures do make a thousand of words. For three years I posted
158 photo albums all in all. Not bad for someone like me who only got a 2.0 mega
pixel camera phone to take pictures.
But
sometimes too much of connections can be annoying especially readers tend t
visit for an update or to clarify the gossips they just heard and not really
into relating their lives into yours. My hiding place became crappy. So I longed for privacy. As a
result I limited myself on just posting pictures at multiply then transferred
all my blog entries at blogger where no friends follow me.
Now that I'm having the privacy that I wanted, I'm feeling stupid that no one responses on my posts. I was wondering if there is someone
out there who reads my posts. I wonder how it feels again to be understood and
be heard. Sometimes i just reassure myself
that I don't need readers at all because I am writing to help myself in making attributions on tricky
situations.
The
bottom line of this is that I am a natural being who will never have a sense of
satisfaction—always wanting the “other” thing.
It's 2:58 in the morning. I yawned many times, feel so drowsy and wanted to sleep unfortunately I'm still here surfing because I don't want to just lay in bed and be drown with dramatic thoughts. I know its not accurate nor never will be reliable but I had it answered anyway.
I watched three movies today. Oh miss this kind of days
where I woke up late, drink coffee during lunch time and fall asleep while the
movie plays. This is weekend—I can entirely
feel what it means. I was also invited to go out by my sisters,
which I honestly missed being with, but I was persistent in ignoring them. Its not that I am tired over the weekdays at
work, I just don’t feel going out and go home intoxicated otherwise wasted not
to go home at all. Besides, I wanted to break my record to stay alcohol-free—been
for a month already. I don’t want wake
up wasted while my surrounding spins—needless to mention the “throw-up-all-day”
and “couch-comfort room-couch” moments. So yeah! I contented myself watching
downloaded movies instead of doing all that. My preference is changing and I had nothing to
argue about it.
I miss being with my Beta Sigma Ladies
Of course, I don’t want to go out because I’m learning and wanted
to practice saying “NO”. I should really
have to follow my own impulse instead of prioritizing other people’s need or
wants. Sometimes, it pays to close our
eyes so not to see, shut our mouth not to speak, and cover our ears not to hear—it
can make a difference. I’m over being the “Kaladkarin”
type—I mean the one who
believes that Because you’re my sister and I love you I’ll go
wherever you wanted to go, and do whatever you wanted to do even if it will mess
up my plans. This time let’s make
some changes because I feel a little tired of risking my own life for the
convenience of others. Don’t get me
wrong, this is not the end of my social life.
I Love them and i honestly miss them. I’m not pushing them away and I am not turning my
back. I just don’t want to be taken this way—there were times that I was in
need that they did not showed up despite the fact that I was always willing to
sacrifice when they needed me. (I thought so...) I’ll be assessing if I had done something to be
treated this way. I’ll stand corrected
if there is.
I’m going to have two days of off from work starting tomorrow. I actually don’t know what it will be like after I considered
that maybe (just maybe) it was necessary for me to work 7 days in a row, one after another so I can
free myself from unwanted emotions. I
was so troubled anticipating the impending a supposed mind-numbing weekend. It made me sad
especially now that I am aware of how exhausting it is to do nothing than
having a long day at work. In the midst
of my concern, I went to the nearest loading station, bought a 300 pesos worth
of prepaid card, registered to Globe tattoo’s supersurf220 because I’m going to
spend my weekend surfing the net. I’m planning to search for some online tips
regarding phone etiquettes and customer service. I obliged myself to improve on my
communication skills (badly needed for my work).
I figured out today (out of my desperation to make each day meaningful) that a boring day is an off beam choice.
There is no such a “my life is a bore” statement. Remember that there is always a
way to make every single day worthwhile, just choose the right one..
Hypocrisy aside, I wished I had a 24/7 work schedule. Being
at work is a therapy—I’m learning the art of focusing on things that matters
most and setting aside those that matters least. However, I can’t deny the fact
that it is just a momentary relief because at the end of day there’s reality. The
times that I haven’t blog were the times I was in my bed crying myself to
sleep. And like those nights, the silence now can possibly take me somewhere at the
middle of nowhere. This time though, I don’t want to be around out there because starting
tonight, there will be no tears, no sighs, and no regrets. I had enough.
Things are getting more serious at the office. Every seconds
of working hours matters. A 5-minute time before a break takes so long. Believe
me. I’m not bored since there are a lot of things yet to get done. The working environment is too occupied to give a room for a little
laugh. Although at times I laugh on my own mistakes, giggle over the funny conversations
I overheard from my officemates, and make fun out of anything there is even it
is not funny anymore. Everyday is a “bloopers day” for me.
By the way, have you ever been in a situation where everyone around is in damn silence and consequently you
wanted to burst out for laughter with no reason at all? Yeah! I’ve been there all the time... Most of the time...The office
is driving me crazy!
In addition, things are getting more serious because I can
actually feel how hierarchy works among us. I am actually after everyone else
at the line. Of course, I have a lighter job than my co-workers since their
work requires intellect. Frankly speaking, I feel envious that they can make
use of their neurons to do heavy loads of work while all I need is to follow
their orders then my day is over. In any way, I haven’t perfected my assignments
until now thus I have no right to feel that way. Hey! I’m no super hero, I had
to deal with a lot of bosses, and I had a lot of missions to accomplish before
the day ends so they shouldn’t expect me to learn everything over the weekend.
Lastly, things are getting more serious in the sense that I am
now into a responsibility. I promised my nephew for a year of schooling fee so that
means there will be no more Starbucks, shopping, Malling, and goodbye to my drinking buddies. It is
time to make a worthy sacrifice. *sigh* I need a lot budgeting to do.
Today I am going to talk about how my bad my Monday went at
the office. This is not the usual complaint of Monday-haters! I don’t even have
the idea yet why a lot of employees hates the first day of the week. Mine went
good until a new task was assigned. I was asked to proctor for a pre-employment
exam of applicants. I felt disappointed on checking their papers but this kind
of task is not new to me since I was one of the trusted students to check
papers since my grade school up to my secondary. I was then assigned to conduct
an initial interview. I had fun throwing questions and clarifying their
submitted data although I can feel that I still have to gain more confident to
be more effective. Sounds easy, right? Indeed it was.
Now the hardest on my part was to become a bearer of bad news.
I received a lot of memorandum telling me they already found a better candidate
or I scored low on the exam, so I know how it feels. As much as I wanted to be pleasant, my obligation
contradicts. I have to inform them that we can’t go further with their
application. I feel bad but I have to be professional in dealing with such
pressure. What I realized is that I need to loosen-up my affection next time
because it is shaping me to distraction—I had a hard time concentrating on my other
tasks after the experience. Felt bad...
Let me mark this day
as a noteworthy point of my journey. Because… I am now going to turn over my
crown to someone not of my concern. There
will be no “coronation night”. Let the finder of my crown do the job for
herself.
You read it right! Starting today I am no longer a princess
like I always believed I was. I started to live a very different life from
being addicted to Starbucks coffee to being a coffee server at the office; from
being the harshest caller of customer services to a polite manager of phone
calls. Let us make this simple, my role turned upside down, literally!
I feel good with my new responsibilities and
I love the feeling of making accomplishments everyday. Dude, you don’t need to become a princess to be contented.
To
end this *MWAH* my goodbye kiss to my bittersweet life
It feels like my energy level is running down too fast. At 8:00m A.M. today on my 2nd day of work I’m a dead beat. But here I am a heavy-eyed freak ready for another shout.
My intention is not to let everyone know of my background on my purpose to seek for a new beginning. But to my concern, although I still hope it’s not for “everyone”, my profile is an open-book by now. My anxiety lies on their interest to know the reason behind my decision why I quit medicine and had chosen to work instead. Just the same questions I’m asking myself. The only certain as of now is that I’m putting that dilemma out-of-my-way for awhile. Someday, because I should, I will make sense of what I’m doing right now. I’m having a break for goodness sake.
I’m not condemning those who started to look into on my profile because for all we know it’s a normality to make the new one the talk-of-the-town isn’t it? Do I sound conceited? I’m sorry for that. I just want to speak my mind because it feels like I was taken aback. Maybe I was expecting a “confidentiality thing” like of a medical records. Yeah right, it’s not a medical record to keep private. How nuts I am to make such kind of assumption.
Things didn’t turn the way I expected. It was fun sorting
files, escorting visitors, serving them coffee, and answering the unending
phone calls for different departments.
Since I am not familiar using intercom to transfer and
divert calls I hang up on the first five callers, I think! But then I got myself used to it—I can now handle messages and relay them to my superiors effectively.
To know everyone at the office personally is rather
impossible since there is a limited chance of talking to each other. Besides, the
only reason I talk to them is to whenever I needed some clarification and confirmation
regarding the tasks assigned to me. Every so often, I was hesitant to approach
them in the thought that I might interrupt and annoyed them—that I don’t want
to happen! I know how it feels to have somebody beside me who ask a lot when in
fact the answer is just there. Stupid questions deserve stupid answers! But then,
since I’m a newbie, I rather give the impression of being stupid asking those
questions to clarify than pretending I know everything and not clarifying at
all. I think it will make the situation worst if I do things on my own without
their supervision during the first day. I’m still lucky my boss is very patient
and calm in answering my questions.
I don’t think I did well on my first day but I promised
myself to make some rooms for improvement. I can’t wait to work on my own. Wish
me luck for tomorrow’s adventure!
Earlier today I was oriented by the agency’s policies. I was
surprised and disappointed by a lot of things I decided not to talk about.
I was even told of what to wear for a week or two. Since I can no longer wear
my dresses (The HR coordinator told me I was not supposed to wear something
that could catch everybody’s attention like I always do… Is it my fault to be
pretty madam?!! nyahahha) kidding aside, I obliged myself to buy new get-ups
just the way they required. I bought white T-shirts, white shoes, socks, pants,
cap, a small notebook, and a pen. Whew! That reminded me of my neophyte days! Damn
it.
Earlier this evening, I hate to admit this, I cried as I felt
sorry for myself that I’m going to have my first day of work tomorrow. I was
thinking of how my life had been… of how lucky I am to live such kind of life. That
I stoop down this far. In any way, since
I left myself with no other choice but to make my life miserable so I’ll be
working hard like I deserved one. The only comfort I’m giving myself right now
is that this is my way to start disciplining myself. I need this to grow.
