Because no one else can

I started my day trying to correct what I thought was right. Little by little (I wished I could in no time). I am not in a hurry even in reality I am drowning myself in humiliation. I have to save myself before things get even worst. One of the lessons I learned from my parents made this times more meaningful. I was told that I should help myself in order to survive because helping others is tiring especially they’re not helping themselves. I bet they’re tired of me—I can tell.

I was lost in thought by pains and all that. I overlooked the things around me yet to be done. Some simple things that could make a difference in my life were ignored. And today, instead of spending my time in a hammock thinking of something to do, I made up my mind to do something.

I made an effort to calm myself in any way. I finally had the chance to hit the button to make a new beginning. This is how I decided to begin my new story—with  a peaceful mind. I breathe in things I needed for my survival and breathe out the burden that made my life complicated. I know this is worth trying for. The strength I needed and been looking for is just within me long before. All I have to do is scrape a little since my heart has been encrusted with angst. 

God be with our journey

 

Dance of a freaky circle

My brain turns on and off, and any moment from now I'm afraid it’s going to shut down for good. I am not going to say goodbye though. This is not a farewell. I can’t think of anything good or anything bad for that matter. My brain is completely drained. Except for the fact that I'm writing to post something for my blog site to express what I'm feeling right now. If only I could squeeze my brain and hit my head on a wall until something drops out, I certainly will.

I don’t know but I guessed it is more appropriate to say I'm having a little touch of complication. I mean something I can't comprehend my self like random thoughts coming out of my mind I can barely appreciate. Everything seems to be hit-and-miss moments. There is a mixed of empty emotions within me--mixed but empty.

Maybe I am just bored right now, (just like the old times, just exactly as yesterday). And needless to say, a little bit frustrated with what is happening as well as to the life around me. Lifeless, empty, and frustrating—the whole thing is becoming a routine. I wake up at 9:30 in the morning. It’s simply because of own my biological clock or often times it’s my mother’s voice that starts my lazy day. As hard as I try to begin my day with a smile, sometimes I just cant. I am so humiliated and I can plainly feel how things get worst around me. Pressured I may be, but I’m trying to defend myself against the awkwardness. My shame is crushing me down each time I eat breakfast and drink a cup of milk—I pleaded guilty for eating the food I haven’t worked for because at my age I should be bringing foods at the table and not just taking it. Washing a two or three plates can at times be stressful, believe me. It reminds you of being alone—hey, you just ate your breakfast all by yourself and perhaps you’ll be eating lunch alone too!

I always had time in our hammock; my day is never complete without the place where my day dreams and fantasies happens. Sometimes I’m lucky if I can go out to access the net via my plug-in Globe tattoo kit at the public plaza of our town, of course that is after asking my parents for money to reload. Sigh. I wonder how it feels to give money instead of asking them. I am so desperate to feel how it is yet here I am, even worst than a limp man, doing nothing. When evening comes I read, as simple as that but I wished you could feel me while I read. I’m trying to hold on as hard I can. I’m crossing my fingers for all of these. My world is getting smaller and smaller each passing day and the air I breathe is sickly sweet. My dream is starting to fade away but I’m trying to embrace what is left. Everyday I go to bed sleepy or not after watching my favourite reality show at ABS-CBN--the only program I been watching religiously for the past 2 weeks since it started, the Pinoy Big Brother. Going to bed is no big deal in any way because all I have to do is cry until my eyes get tired—I can fall asleep soundly by that. Sleeping is that easy, a little tough maybe but I’m getting used to it. Then I wake up at exactly 9:30 the next morning and begin all over again. This is my life for the past 5 weeks.

Most of the time I listen to the playlist of random songs saved at my windows media player. And this morning I realized I had fallen in love with its visualization—the dance of a freaky circle—it can drown me into nothingness and make me numb for a moment or two. This is the best I can think of to kill this boredom before it can kill me. The freaky circle reminds me of the two forces wanting to attract each other yet no matter how hard they tried they always repel. Isn’t it a perfect picture of what is happening right now? One circle represents me and the other represents what I want—that no matter how eager I always am to take hold of my wants in life, nothing good happens. The nearer I get the farther it goes. And just like being entertained by the dancing circles, (freaky indeed) I am somehow got the feeling not to go anywhere else, and become contented of what I got. Being here is compelling despite my frustration. I'm getting to like it.

Right now, what scares me most is to let go of my dreams and to let go of myself in exchange of what is happening now. Do I really have to? My! Dancing freaky circles.

Good night world!

Maybe I am lucky to live this kind of life

Did you know that one of the hardest things to do is to make yourself happy even if you’re really not? It is not because life goes that way. Admit it. It is because of the need to show the world that you are what you are not. I don’t know. Perhaps I’m just not myself. I always believed that in a world where everyone expects you to laugh, crying becomes a crime.

This is madness. I cry myself to sleep, I shout when nobody listen, I can always scream silently when needed. My life doesn’t fit in everybody’s circle but at least I am having one of my own. It is not easy to be me. I'm trying to manage though, because I know it’s not easy to live this kind of life outside my world. 
In one point, I’m lucky to be inside my own circle.

Prepared some pancakes and Ice tea for the kids before we head ourselves to the beach

Bridge

They come and go; some as easily as they can while I can't. Something seems wrong, at least to my concern. The eagerness to uncover the other side is frustrating. 

The Forgotten

Trust to Regain

I'm thinking if I can ever regain my parent's trust (feeling desperate).  I feel like I am such a failure, the biggest one indeed. I pleaded guilty for not working hard and for taking things for granted. I was weighed down by the generosity of my own fate.

I had no idea why I ignored my responsibilities but I'm pretty sure that I really did. My consequences can't even tell and I will not look into it.

For heaven's sake, why should I? I know I did something stupid that is why I am living my life so terribly. What matters most to me right now is for me to figure out how to get my determination back, perhaps my strength.

Leaning On

 At times, you think of nothing but to be given a chance. But chances are you can end up in a corner with nothing. For the worst of it, be disregarded. This is the time when a simple act of standing becomes easier said than done, like those bad times when you find yourself leaning on a wall nearby while waiting for someone to pick you up… someone to push you to keep you moving.

Those moments you always had; standing alone under the rain hoping raindrops can cleanse your soul and wash off  away all of the pain. In one second you have gone crazy, wanting to fall and letting go, wanting to fly away til the wind can dry your teary eyes.  

I had enough of it...

When everything is said and done,  then perhaps,I can bid the world goodbye.

same old story to tell

I am  now sitting in the place where I once sat down on the 5th day of June 2002 while i wrote the above poem. 

 The very same room is now dark, empty, dull and lifeless indicating years of abandonment.  I spent most of my time in this cozy place, staying late to write poems and journals, my hiding place to cry for no good reason. Crying back then is just because of the things I created, some dramas out of my imagination. Crying now is because of what is happening, a real one. And it is not easy like I thought it was.

I closed my eyes, sat on the floor and rest my back on the same wall…strangely I felt how it was, the pain, the tears, the longing... God!... My hope remains the same.

Escapade

I'm preparing for "another escapade". Something that is never planned but not surprising, at least to me. Just exactly the same kind of journey only on a different kind of road.  Partly for a change of an environment (perhaps to find a space for growing because the old hiding place is suffocating already), and partly because I feel like running away, AGAIN.

True. Weeks from now, I'll be meeting some new friends, follow some new rules and regulations, deal with new people, adopt a new environment. But hey! normality speaks, being new and having one is everything; like a puppy is better that a dog, a puppy love is more exciting than a married relationship, a baby is  more entertaining than a grown-up, a gadget is cool only if it is still out of the market but when everything gets old and worn out, the excitement gone and fades as if it brought nothing to one's life. It is not all about running away, it can also be about making the impossible to come true-- restarting life-- a way to be admired and be appreciated once more..

To be able to find a place where you really belong is an assurance but I now consider how good it was to be a stranger at all times in all places. Good enough to run away when things gets worst.