Regrets

Its been 2 months.. And I don’t know where I've been . Now, I can officially label myself as a genuine stupid person. All I did was to cry all day long and night as if I was really alone... I do feel that I am but I still Believed I'm not

As I remember, yesterday was December 21, 2009.. But when I woke this morning, to my surprise, today is February 20, 2010… where have I been?

This is exactly what I'm feeling today

I was in hell… no one had pushed me to be in, but I did for no good reason. I feel bad, empty and regretful that I tried after convincing myself not to. I am my greatest enemy… hard headed as I used to be. I knew it was dangerous but I did took the risk of doing it hoping I can tolerate the pain. I so hate being myself at times like this. My thought of things differs from what I feel.

I started to hate life, but I cant get even… though I wanted to. I cant argue with what is happening in my life right now. There are a lot of forces beyond my control. I wished to manipulate things but I failed… there is no way for me to do that. I have no energy left, I feel weak at this very moment. I called up for rescue but then refuses to accept hand. I want to be alone and be myself for some time, but I was too scared to be left behind. Seconds seems to run like years… so slow that it irritates me…

But am I really left behind or I am just in a hurry to put things right that I missed everything. Did everyone around me had changed or it was I who is different now. It is the same old feeling I got here… and I forgot how I managed to survive before…. I wished to remember because I don’t want to feel this way all the time, it impairs me.

I been missing so much opportunities now a days. I tend to let things happen. "Let it be" moments and "it isn't true" instances. I wished to start another walk of life… I wished to walk once more… take one more chance-- I am not giving up.

Birthday?

Today is my 24th birthday… the saddest of all.

 

 I feel weak, empty and scared. I wish I could stop everything, freeze the world in a snap. I wished to be invisible, to run a way, shout out loud and scream. I wished to let it out--strange emptiness from nowhere. Oh burdens of pain, hatred, and regrets I wished I could return you to where you really belong.

I struggled enough. I wanted to be free.

To run away… just the thought of it tires me already. I had no energy left since I been running all my life--been running from pain. I wanted to seek for another hiding place, where no one can see me dying in agony. For some, what I feel is stupid and nothing.

To be invisible. So I can cry, I can shout hurting no one.

To stay disconnected from the world so that no one will remind me of who I am and who I was.

Nothing....

 when nothing is left for you...

*this is not my original concept but I was the one who sketched