SAHM: Stay-at-hospital/home-mother

My very own Princess

2 years, 8 months and 20 days being a mother to this lovely daughter, but there are only 332 days of which that I become a full-time hands-on mother to her. The rest of the days, I spent time at the hospital to take care of  other people. Pursuing an MD degree isn't easy. We had to stay in the hospital for a 24 hour duty, 10 more hours of from duty status at the hospital before heading ourselves home; so we're given a 14-hr rest (that includes spending time with your love ones too) then go back for another 10 hour pre-duty status at the hospital then another 14 hour rest before the next duty starts. Physically tired, sleep deprived, mentally drained and emotionally tortured.

Becoming a doctor is a tough decision. A decision you actually have to renew again and again each time you feel like giving up. 

Going home tired and sleepy to your daughter whom you know waited for you maybe the worst feeling especially that instead of using part of your 14-hour rest in playing with her, you needed to work on your reports that is due the next day. On the other hand, how exhausting is it in your part that instead of sleeping straight through the night you have to wake up every 2 hours because you needed to change diaper or make a milk formula. 

I almost give up. Perhaps I really did in some point. But I stayed. I stayed becoming a physician and stayed being a mother in the hope that someday I'll be good with both. I'll make a way to make it all work. 

I'm staying. Someday, sacrifices will make sense. 

Love affair

To cross the line and to go beyond the boundaries, that is what friends do: Two people enjoying the comfort being between a serious relationship and being just a simple friend. Such relationship do exists but how could that possibly be safe? Physically, emotionally, Spiritually, Socially and morally it is not healthy, obviously. It is beyond norms thus it is one of the relationships that you can never be proud of. 

How about being in a friends-with-benefits-zone while the two of you are in a serious relationship with someone else? Infidelity. It is way too complicated. Complicated relationship made even more complicated. Sounds sad. Sounds irritating. Sounds real.

Since our culture dictated us what is supposed to be the right relationship, anything beyond is considered unacceptable. A violence to each and everyone around, even a violence to people who has nothing to do in your life.

Behind the line "relationship just happened" is a deeper reason why people gets involved with one another. Whatever that is, who are we to judge them? 

Is it Love? Happiness? Security? Boredom? Hate? Insecurity? what then? 

We all have our reasons.  Love sometimes is not enough. You want to feel being wanted and accepted. You're just happy with that someone.  Perhaps, that physical attraction every single time your eyes met is way too strong that you can't resist. Any reasons do. Maybe, its a way of getting even to those who have hurt you. It can be just a plain curiosity.

Falling in love with someone else is a choice, falling out of love is also a choice, to keep the relationship is a choice, and what relationship to keep is as well a choice. But an affair is an affair, the choice to make it serious is uncertain. 

Standing between the boundary of a serious relationship and friendship is fun. but you can't stand there forever. While you are still in that boundary, there are things to remember:

• Don't fall in love. This is just an affair and this won't last. 
• Accept the fact that there is no real love in affair, if there is,  then it is no longer an affair. Hopes of leaving the primary relationship will never happen. If one of you does, THINK again.
• Expect something worse. You're cheating (yes! a serious act of cheating) so the one you cheated on can leave you anytime and you have no chance to save the relationship. you can be forgiven, you can't be trusted.
• Keep it a secret. This is a relationship you can never be proud of. No one will be proud of you and no one will praise you how good a cheater you are. Chances are, you'll soon be losing friends and getting their eyebrows raise. Wear that poker-face and act there is nothing between the two of you. 
• keep it simple. Since this is a no-strings-attached kind, there's no need to demand for anything especially for time and attention. So you shouldn't be complaining and there should be no explaining.
• No messages, no emails, no comments on social media, just nothing.
• Protect your health. This is not all about having fun in bed. Think of getting STDs. 
• You can't be jealous. You can't be emotionally involved. Go back to the first bullet

If you can't live with  guilt. Don't get involve! End it then, the soonest you can

Hello, Monday

When someone woke you up, call you at around three in the morning (having your phone set on a full-volume  annoying ring tone, if in cases of emergency), just to ask you "what are you doing?"... A not so good way to start a week, hey! today is Monday. That was sweet actually, how could they be so thoughtful?-- inviting you to eat something from the nearest convenient store because they're all worried you might be hungry after eating ampalaya and egg from the last night's dinner, not the usual food we had. But I'm sorry because I am totally pissed off. I Shut my cellular phone off and tried the hardest I can to calm myself so I can go back to a sound sleep. I somehow did.

and so my Monday madness started... Rock on!

Today, I am also going back from a long weekend of movie marathon to the radiology office where I am currently rotating. These days I'm spending half of my day trying to identify anatomy out of a black and white films and go home feeling mentally drained, oh headache! I was left reading Anatomy books.

The Photographer said "I like that smile, it's perfect"... yes! its the Photographer, and he needed to say those lines, actually!

Went to the Graduation Pictorial. One nice lady made my hair with all her patience, a young lady shaped my eyebrows into something I don't actually like, an obviously spoiled brat who happens to have an obsession on eyelashes (that was according to her mom) added a false eyelashes to mine, and a not-so-young-not-so-old make-up artist made the final touches. One chair after another. What was that all about?

The make-up artist mentioned clients, personalities (I'm not familiar with), experiences that tells everyone in the room she is actually a good artist. I heard a lot of marketing strategies like the usual: This one is better... Those were expensive products... you are actually paying us less (400php for the hair and make-up and 100php for the false eyelashes) than we deserve to receive because we wanted you to look better than you expect... I heard lines and lines and lines that would convince us they're good. I had my mouth shut all through out since I did not expect for a service likened to a high-end salon. Felt better then.

The photographer maybe 4-ft away from the subject uses an SLR camera, two studio lights, a black background, a chair. At the corner of the room is a mountain of shawls of different colors  that we could use as our formal dress, one toga that we pass on to the next person in line, and coat and ties for the men. Nine of us occupied that little office turned studio where we hardly move.Awkward! they don't even have the curtain where we can change. Aside from the 2350php we paid for the graduation package we still have to pay 300php for the extra shot and another 350php for all the copy of pictures saved on a CD. Goodbye 3600php, Sad face. 

Thank goodness for being in a circle of crazy people,  instead of complaining resolved to just laugh.

Tomorrow is another day, Tomorrow is no longer a Monday.

Hold on

I honestly wanted to write something that will make follower of this page (if there is, in any way who stayed) SMILE... but again, I'll write whatever is on my mind.

I used to be a full-time-stay-at-home-mama of one lovely daughter in a mission to make ordinary days extraordinary for a couple of months but then finally decided to pursue Medical School. From there, I don't know what exactly happened. Maybe, some "throwback" posts will soon be filling the gaps of my story. All I know right at this very moment is that I wanted to start sharing and reading blogs once again. I miss this writing whatever that is bugging me... since there  are a lot of them right now.  

I  ignore things, people, and situations. Easiest way I could  to make my journey easier. Let it be... let it pass... close my eyes...cover ears...take a deep breath from time to time... protect my heart if I can...and finally focus on things that will make me happy... You actually need to convince yourself   first that you'll be ignoring a lot of possibilities beforehand.

Recently, I learned from a friend the law of attraction which clearly states that every positive or negative event that happened with you was attracted by you. And so I tried... I realized it ain't easy at all! at the end of the day, when you are sad you still have to cry... no matter how strong you wanted the world to see you, you needed a corner. a hiding place maybe, where no one can see how scared you are over things you know they will never understand why. 

To be able to attract whatever you wanted to attract so you don't have to be that person you hated? I have no idea on "how's" yet, but I will be learning that in time.

One thing is for sure, if attracting positives won't be enough...  everything will work out for the best, holding on is always of good help. When I thought being that "crazy-lazy-future-MD" I used to label myself  became "going-to-be-MD-no-more"  hey, I'm on my way once again, this time I can't be that lazy, maybe still crazy but earned that MD. Thanks God.