Backspace

This is actually my 50th sentence for this page. The other 49 were all deleted intentionally after each time I press the period key. Well, this moment basically made me realized of how bad a writer I am. Who cares anyway, I am not actually one—I can never be good in everything that I do. All I know right now is that I had proven myself that I am not enough to anyone as always. well the thing is, I'm here to stay so I can persuade myself that everyday is a great day. That no matter how bad life is I’ll still be fine.

Anyway, right now, the clattering sound of this keyboard created by pressing them annoys me. But still I keep on pressing in the hope to come up with something good to write. Writing is harder than I ever imagined especially now that there are things unknown to me that put me on hold not to publish any bad expressions and serious emotions. So what I am doing right now is that each time I enter a message I’m deleting it right away. I am so myself today, I can be bad, and I might regret things.

If only talking to a person can be this way; each time we uttered bad statements there is a backspace key to press so each moment can be filled up with the right one. Too bad there is none and being careless in choosing words is at times unforgivable. 

It feels so bad to know what to do but doesn’t know how to make it happen"

I feel numb while struggling to convince myself that practicality as flexibility is way ahead than spending my time being in despair. I once thought to resolve in doing what is best and what is right. But the thing is I honestly had no idea what I’m talking about. I don’t know how it is to be best and how is it to be right. It feels like having a car in one’s garage, you got the key, you discerned where to go but the problem is you don’t know how to drive.

I can talk with Ideas. I got them; it may be wrong for some or can be good to others. Indeed even the smallest and the invisible thing (I am actually referring to what we called “ideas in our minds”) can actually drive us crazy, isn’t it? Believe me, it feels so bad to know what to do but doesn’t know how to make it happen.

Look, what is happening right now in my life is very serious but this time I am not taking it that way because if I will I’ll be mad like no other. The way I see things—some parts of my life and my dream had fallen into a “not so right place”. To fall apart is just a start of a story, but to get going? It is another that I haven't started yet. But one of life’s ironies is that we’re all trying to balance everything. It takes a lot of effort to level off bad and good that’s why life has its ups and downs no matter what you do—just the way of it. sitting on a see-saw is not fun if two great forces will not let each side feel how it is to be down or will not allow feeling the rush of going up. It was not meant to be that way. So as to life, it is not a “life” without all this bits and pieces that pressed a person to be down and eventually pushed them to go up once again.

The hardest deal in my life is happening. But I'm actually thinking of those that happened before hand of this, isn’t it also had been the hardest? I guessed I’m entering another level of difficulty. It is like facing a horror  one after another and it is making me stronger than I thought.

Success is relative

SUCCESS IS RELATIVE

 I saw this statement printed on the shirt of an acquaintance friend. It is an eye-catching statement perhaps because I myself am a great believer of it.

I always had an argument with a friend or for the worst with someone who is different—which can make a discussion even harder to handle—whether to quit a profession, to settle down instead of finishing college for a degree, to end a relationship, to change plans in the midst of accomplishments among others is the most impractical decision one can ever made. I believe it is not always the case. That makes success a relative one. Everyone can become successful in their own ways. There are things that can make other people happy, but that very same thing can also be a reason for the depression of others. We can never tell and we can never judge unless a person declares he feels happy and contented about his life.

I know a person whose great want in life is to raise good kids and build a happy family. Her choice of quitting school is ridiculous. For some people she was considered a failure and a disappointment to her family. But she had never live her life like how others did.  Instead, she lived to her dream and showed the world how successful she been for having a simple yet happy and contented family.

True to that, you can never assume if a person had failed or had succeeded. To carry a suitcase, to wear corporate attire, to live in a mansion, to afford signatured stuffs, live in luxuries, to travel millions of miles, to shimmer with jewelleries, to attend to a most prestigious school, to work with influential people can never tell a person if he is successful. On contrary, to wear old rugged jeans, to buy imitation items, to stay for so long in a rural area, to work in a field, stay late to work harder to earn a living, to quit school, to marry young is not enough to tell a person had failed.

I'm not good at this, but I always believe that as long as you set goals and had met them and is trying to meet the rest, you are doing good.

Each and every one of us is a unique creation. My hope is that every one of us can appreciate the beauty of individuality. 

Silence

My idea of writing is for me to comprehend my environment. It is my own simple way to understand myself. But I came to a point where I passionately stayed away from pressing the keyboard and get rid of picking up a pen to write a single word. Sometimes, our own thoughts can be that scary. Times when you thought of someone you don’t want to remember, tasks you don’t want to do, acts that you considered you never did, an event you don’t want to take place, blames you don’t want to cast upon. Some words that can at times are too good to remain unsaid because talking can be regretful. I always regret how I connect words and turned them to harsh statements. I wanted to lessen my regrets if I can. I had enough of them; I’m not creating another set to make myself bad. Silence is good and to remain as one in times of hatred feels great. 

To delay things when needed can be hard—as hard as acting mature when you’re really not but it can make you one.

Election 2010

I feel bad and discouraged with what is happening in my life lately. First, I found out I had no credentials at the Medical school I attended for three years. That was crazy. I realized then that I had no valid I.D. to present to any of my important transactions to certify that I am Cristy May B. Espańola. And today the sad fact had just sink in: my disqualification to participate in a National Election. Argh! I so hate myself for being irresponsible and not having any place to go.

Indeed, Due to my failure to participate on 2007 local election I am now spending my time watching old movies instead of enjoying the heat of the sun outside while waiting for my turn to shade circles among other voters. I am so disappointed not to practice my right to vote and attend to my responsibility as a Filipino Citizen. Isn’t it sad not to be involved when you have no reason not to? I am healthy and I am not busy but I just can’t. I envy those who can play a part in making changes for the betterment of this country, or some good changes for our district just to lessen my expectation.

I know how valuable my vote is that’s why I feel horrible today. In that case, my concern can’t bring me anywhere and can’t change the fact that my name is not at the COMMELEC master list. My only hope is the success of this life changing event and may the elected country leaders be true to their words. May they lead the countrymen with good intentions and not with greed of power?  

Perpetualite to Bid Goodbye...

I finally had the time to write. I’ve been lazy for the past few days for two extreme reasons: I am simply tired (literally) and frightened more than usual. I’ve been to Luzon and back here in Visayas in three days time and with that time span worries were accepted, and awareness was established.

That night before I left for Cavite was filled with upsetting noises that only I can hear. Having this kind of ears that can perceive the sound others cannot is driving me crazy. The sound within me was even worse than that of crickets at night. I feel like a dead woman for my body was cold but ironically I never heard my heartbeat that loud. I am not sure if I had fallen asleep or I was just there staring blankly all over my room until the sun was up. From time to time, I was tempted to write to get rid of all the bewilderment in my mind but I barely had the courage to put my thoughts into words. My throat sores as I read out lout to break the annoying noise that was keeping me up. I failed to free myself from panics. Thus, I stayed late and ended up more like of a zombie acting creature the next day. I sometimes picked up things not knowing what it is for.

 The day I left, I waited for almost four hours before the bus had arrived. But four hours is not enough, I wished then to stay as eager as my heart and my mind wanted me to stay. I don’t really want to go but the College of Medicine of University of Perpetual Help-DJGTMU requires my presence for my exit interview with the Student of Affairs. As I waited, one memory keeps on flashing back. I was sitting outside the chancellor’s office trying to weigh up things. It was my birthday and I told myself that Perpetual is not my home to stay with. I never knew then that I will be provided with reasons to leave, good enough to break away.

I went back to my school for my exit interview and to request for transfer credentials. To my disappointment my qualifications as a registered Medical student were all gone at the registrar's office. That includes my NMAT result, my NSO birth certificate, and my College TOR. Surprisingly true, my envelope of records was empty. I don’t want to think that it was ripped off but I am actually considering it. But then again, my determination was firm enough to take my grounds. I happened to have an extra copy of my college TOR and NSO birth certificate, and I went to Center for Education Measurement at Makati City to retrieve my NMAT grades.

There, I am now a Certified Perpetual Student but too bad I needed to sign for my exit clearance right away.

Some said I should have stayed. Perhaps I could but I would not because I wanted to save my dreams. I’m holding on and I made my choice to be alive. This is not a waste of time; this is not a failure, not my defeat. No matter how tricky the road is, no matter how long it will take, this is still my journey... Someday soon I'm going to tell my story with pride. I’ll be learning in every route I’ll take. At the end, I’m not going to sit down and dream of my life but I’ll rather be going to start another walk to begin a different journey—endless as it is.