Special Request

A special request to the following to become our baby's godparents:

 Sheena dela Peña

Ellyn Villanueva

 Danielle Vanessa Ereñeta Arisola
Shannah Laminero

Aicee Alvarez

Roa Fuentespina

Christine Cogolio Feraren
Ma. Rowena Novillos

Ronald Esquillo

 Arnaldo Bangalisan
Thomas Albacete

Tets Camingawan

Dominic Pecadizo

Anthony Linsasagin

I'm little now, but I want to grow and be strong...
I want to do great things and make a difference in someone's life...
I want to live for the moment and enjoy the precious things that happen in the everyday and not take them for granted...
I want to walk along the paths that had never been walked and discover the beauty hidden there...
I want to be still and quiet and know that even though I am alone, I am not lonely...
I want to see the world and the majesty that lies therein...
I want to share my thoughts and dreams without being afraid of ridicule...
I want to be special...
I want to be loved and cherished for who I am...
I'm little now, but I will grow, and I want you there with me...


I indeed need some extra hands to help me learn and grow. 
I think that yours would be the best.
'cause Mommy and Daddy told me so.


Will you be my Godparents?

(note: I got the text from a pre-made online card, not my own words)

To-do-list

It is raining again and I can no longer understand the show I'm watching. So I decided to write down my to-do-list instead of maximizing the volume or sit near the television just to hear.  By the way, I have a lifetime to make this happen. No pressures!

•  Travel alone

Been traveling with friends but what I really planned lately is to travel by myself. My ultimate escapade is to travel like a freeman. I bet this is the time that I could make decision for myself without depending to anyone. The idea that no one else is there around is a good motivation and sooner as I hoped before my travel ends, I will feel and will realize that I am capable of making good decisions. 

• Drive my own car

 

To go anywhere I want to, may it be to work or not. I feel that those women driving their own cars are all self dependent.  I admire them for being such. I want to be one of them in the near future.  Their is a little changes in details of my plan though because this time I want a red one. During my 18th birthday, I told my friend I always wanted a blue car! the very next day he painted a blue sports car, framed it and gave it to me. Sweet friend. 

• Surf the wave at La Union

La Union is one of my target travel destination

A way to learn to go with the flow, I guessed. It is not a good idea to be standing against the odds all the time just to show the world you're different, sometimes we need to blend in, and go where the current goes. A little adjustment will do to survive. Sometimes it will lead us to the right path. 

• Learn foreign language

French and Spanis

To feel how it was again to be like a grade schooler learning the right grammar and pronunciation. Learning foreign  language is exciting. I guess, it is all good to speak not just of native tongue, a rewarding skill to acquire.

• Own a library

My library @ yoville.com

Of course I already had one, I created a library at yoville community. But I wanted a library that is not just created but is built--a real one. I am fascinated by homes with their own library filled with books of all kind. I wanted to have one of my own where I can read anytime I want too.

• Own a beachfront house

 Because life is simply a beach.  I also had one at yoville community worth 34,000 yoville coins :) and I wished beachfront house is also that cheap!!! The mere fact that I love sunset so much inspires me to own one someday :) 

• Engage in sports

A good way to discipline. Although I never been into sports. I only played because of P.E. class, that's all. But since I am no longer a student, I want to learn sports for my own good. Badminton, Lawn Tennis, Golf are on my top list!

• Climb a mountain

Simply because I wanted to conquer  the world. I know climbing a mountain will not do the trick but the feeling is there. My experienced is way back my grade school years during our annual camping. I want to experience a real mountain climb. 

• _____________________

I will intentionally leave this blank. I know I want something but I have no idea what it is!! :) 

Privacy

I am trying to figure out whether it is still safe to keep my journals on hand or have I gone mad not to trust anyone this time. I even thought of not writing anymore... that is!!!.... If I could keep every creepy thought and can resist the need to express them. The truth is,  this is the only moment that I could be myself without having doubts to talk on every single thing that is happening in my life.

As an online blogger I am aware that the whole world could read my writings disregarding the fact that only a six or few person could actually find time to read one of the entries. I don’t really expect someone will, but what I don’t expect most is someone will read even those that are not posted, kept on a box for years and were intentionally made for my own.

Silence

My idea of writing is for me to comprehend my environment. It is my own simple way to understand myself. But I came to a point where I passionately stayed away from pressing the keyboard and get rid of picking up a pen to write a single word. Sometimes, our own thoughts can be that scary. Times when you thought of someone you don’t want to remember, tasks you don’t want to do, acts that you considered you never did, an event you don’t want to take place, blames you don’t want to cast upon. Some words that can at times are too good to remain unsaid because talking can be regretful. I always regret how I connect words and turned them to harsh statements. I wanted to lessen my regrets if I can. I had enough of them; I’m not creating another set to make myself bad. Silence is good and to remain as one in times of hatred feels great. 

To delay things when needed can be hard—as hard as acting mature when you’re really not but it can make you one.

Perpetualite to Bid Goodbye...

I finally had the time to write. I’ve been lazy for the past few days for two extreme reasons: I am simply tired (literally) and frightened more than usual. I’ve been to Luzon and back here in Visayas in three days time and with that time span worries were accepted, and awareness was established.

That night before I left for Cavite was filled with upsetting noises that only I can hear. Having this kind of ears that can perceive the sound others cannot is driving me crazy. The sound within me was even worse than that of crickets at night. I feel like a dead woman for my body was cold but ironically I never heard my heartbeat that loud. I am not sure if I had fallen asleep or I was just there staring blankly all over my room until the sun was up. From time to time, I was tempted to write to get rid of all the bewilderment in my mind but I barely had the courage to put my thoughts into words. My throat sores as I read out lout to break the annoying noise that was keeping me up. I failed to free myself from panics. Thus, I stayed late and ended up more like of a zombie acting creature the next day. I sometimes picked up things not knowing what it is for.

 The day I left, I waited for almost four hours before the bus had arrived. But four hours is not enough, I wished then to stay as eager as my heart and my mind wanted me to stay. I don’t really want to go but the College of Medicine of University of Perpetual Help-DJGTMU requires my presence for my exit interview with the Student of Affairs. As I waited, one memory keeps on flashing back. I was sitting outside the chancellor’s office trying to weigh up things. It was my birthday and I told myself that Perpetual is not my home to stay with. I never knew then that I will be provided with reasons to leave, good enough to break away.

I went back to my school for my exit interview and to request for transfer credentials. To my disappointment my qualifications as a registered Medical student were all gone at the registrar's office. That includes my NMAT result, my NSO birth certificate, and my College TOR. Surprisingly true, my envelope of records was empty. I don’t want to think that it was ripped off but I am actually considering it. But then again, my determination was firm enough to take my grounds. I happened to have an extra copy of my college TOR and NSO birth certificate, and I went to Center for Education Measurement at Makati City to retrieve my NMAT grades.

There, I am now a Certified Perpetual Student but too bad I needed to sign for my exit clearance right away.

Some said I should have stayed. Perhaps I could but I would not because I wanted to save my dreams. I’m holding on and I made my choice to be alive. This is not a waste of time; this is not a failure, not my defeat. No matter how tricky the road is, no matter how long it will take, this is still my journey... Someday soon I'm going to tell my story with pride. I’ll be learning in every route I’ll take. At the end, I’m not going to sit down and dream of my life but I’ll rather be going to start another walk to begin a different journey—endless as it is.
 

Because no one else can

I started my day trying to correct what I thought was right. Little by little (I wished I could in no time). I am not in a hurry even in reality I am drowning myself in humiliation. I have to save myself before things get even worst. One of the lessons I learned from my parents made this times more meaningful. I was told that I should help myself in order to survive because helping others is tiring especially they’re not helping themselves. I bet they’re tired of me—I can tell.

I was lost in thought by pains and all that. I overlooked the things around me yet to be done. Some simple things that could make a difference in my life were ignored. And today, instead of spending my time in a hammock thinking of something to do, I made up my mind to do something.

I made an effort to calm myself in any way. I finally had the chance to hit the button to make a new beginning. This is how I decided to begin my new story—with  a peaceful mind. I breathe in things I needed for my survival and breathe out the burden that made my life complicated. I know this is worth trying for. The strength I needed and been looking for is just within me long before. All I have to do is scrape a little since my heart has been encrusted with angst. 

God be with our journey

 

Escapade

I'm preparing for "another escapade". Something that is never planned but not surprising, at least to me. Just exactly the same kind of journey only on a different kind of road.  Partly for a change of an environment (perhaps to find a space for growing because the old hiding place is suffocating already), and partly because I feel like running away, AGAIN.

True. Weeks from now, I'll be meeting some new friends, follow some new rules and regulations, deal with new people, adopt a new environment. But hey! normality speaks, being new and having one is everything; like a puppy is better that a dog, a puppy love is more exciting than a married relationship, a baby is  more entertaining than a grown-up, a gadget is cool only if it is still out of the market but when everything gets old and worn out, the excitement gone and fades as if it brought nothing to one's life. It is not all about running away, it can also be about making the impossible to come true-- restarting life-- a way to be admired and be appreciated once more..

To be able to find a place where you really belong is an assurance but I now consider how good it was to be a stranger at all times in all places. Good enough to run away when things gets worst.

A not so blue sunday

I had list on what to do today

•  Have my hair done
•  or visit a friend, or relatives for a change
• Or clean my room
• And Attend a mass
• Or better read a chapter of Harrison's
• then post a blog on whatever under the sun
• Maybe I could Sketch something
• Read and laugh again at U.P. overheard?

So many options but none among from my list had made my day. Earlier I found myself crying again. I felt so empty and sad. I heard myself begging to Him to stop challenging my life. I surrendered. But I guess I had no choice but to fight against life's uncertainty.

Yesterday my option was:

• To  attend the 2nd birthday celebration of my friend's son
• Or meet my high school friends for a  little reunion, it's been years that I haven't talk to them anyway
• Or go to a bar with my cousins

My day ended without telling them that I can't make it and why I can't. I simply don't want to explain. I hate explaining myself. I spent the day at the mall somewhere in Alabang. Just like the old days when I can't endure the emptiness--travelling or go Malling is always the best option for me. If each elements in this world could only conspire to make me feel better, then I should not be there walking alone like a "zombie" along with busy "people". 

I was in my drama-mode when a friend whom I considered one of my best friend call me up and talked about his girlfriend and their ups and downs for 30 minutes. In between this moment he'll say "it should be you" "If I knew, then I should...", *sigh* what a day. Sad. As a friend I told him they'll be fine and whatsoever a good friend could advise to save their relationship. Sincerity assured but the ironic part of it was when I utter to myself "I wish I am not a good friend to him" *sigh* who could not be a good to him anyway, when we're in high school, I used to call him in the middle of the night because I can't sleep; when we're younger than we are right now he became my official shoulder. He never failed me yet. I prayed he won't.

But then again, today is not at all sad, partly it isn't. I enjoyed my day with another friend who called because he was bored and his girlfriend is not around. Nice, why do I ended up like a clown making everyone happy? *kidding!* We ate, watched a movie, played arcades, and bottles of beer.  I somehow feel great that I can go out with friends and talk to them anytime I wanted.

A struggle worth struggling for

Tomorrow I hope to start a new life... And I mean it… hopefully I will.

I honestly miss being myself. I wanted to get my old life back. I mean the old one, long before I met him. Long before I decided to join the Beta Sigma Fraternity and Ladies Corps.

But this fact hurts me as well. Maybe the disappointment it brought to my life. Perhaps, being one of them… I mean us… whatever! Ok, one of us or them is indeed tough. I personally walked in a rocky road. I now understand the importance of light, 'cause it is indeed a dark place to live in. My light was gone. To pass a letter of denouncement is not easy, not part of my stupidity… I supposed. I believed that it was not stupid to quit and turn my back away from them because I have reasons.

Been here for almost a week already, and all I did was bug him down, blame him, and tell every single regrets I have … though part of me believed that I am unfair and I am acting rude for being such. I always wanted to stop doing those stuff, but I cant! Discipline and self control is nowhere to find, perhaps because of hatred. I hate myself for being so… I don’t know exactly what to describe me… perhaps nothing could.

I'm here to think, and ponder on things. I should be… I've been a monster for months already, my manner is unforgivable and the words I utter is as smelly and fishy as it is. I am a monster who wants to get her old self back… the one being respected by many and the one who respects herself because she deserves to be. Respect… how can I ever respect myself if we fight and still sleep together and the next day acted that there is nothing comes between the two of us anymore. How come we see each other once in a while, stay together for a week or two under one roof again and if asked we both tell everyone we decided to take paths of our own. Stupid and degrading, isn't it?

I don’t want to do those stuff any longer, I wanted to stop. I've been in my worst self… I was worst and getting even worst every day.

Everyday was a struggle to me, an unnecessary one. And today, I wanted to start a new struggle worth struggling for. I don’t want to waste my time blaming myself why I wasted my life with him…its like wasting my life because of my wastes. Making mistakes from another mistakes. I want to stop hoping for something so impossible.

Sometimes, reminding myself that life is better off without him is not enough because I often stayed to give chance for both of us… that what if he will change..what if I'll wait for a while ... There were so many what Ifs going on in mind. Nothing changes. He loves to tell lie s and he has always something to hide. Despite it all, I once hoped someday I can hear him telling no lie and act with no pretensions. That one day he will wake up and will live in honesty. He is a big fat liar from the very start of our relationship and yet I accepted him hoping he'll change...

Everyday, I talked to the Lord. I already told him everything: how scared I was that there will be no one to protect me, how I always wanted to be loved and to gain his respect …how I longed for those times of him being proud of me. I already did my part of giving us both chance to change and make things right. I had nothing to offer now. I already give what I have.

Crazy-Lazy-Future-MD

Is it stupid to say that the world indeed has the capability to turn us upside down? My innocent belief when I was once a little kid attacked my mind early this morning. Those days when I pictured out myself living outside the planet, so when it turns around the solar system we have to be very careful because we might fall out...well then I tried to convinced myself that we live inside the planet, so I don’t have to worry of falling out into the solar system!  I will never live long out there—it is so dark even if it has all the stars I love.

It scares me until I learned from my basic science courses about gravity and the likes. Hmmm… see what a simple science can do? It can clear up our puzzled thoughts and can make us feel better—giving us peace of mind by answering all our questions with giving us  reliable basis. That’s why I love science! It explains us very well the cause and effect of a thing up to its detailed and tiny element. That’s how science amazed my young mind.

            Loving science, I took up biology  and was inspired to enter medicine—for an everlasting wonderful world of discoveries.

            I am not going to talk about science technicalities here, I am not good at that… though I was exposed to science for years… I wished to master the secret of science! I really love to study and learn more facts. But, i guess it won’t happen for a lazy crazy future MD like me, right?
         
            The problem with me was I am too pre-occupied with my dreams. I wanted this and that. I planned for this and that. I am going to be like this someday… someday… and someday.

        Becoming a medical doctor or working in a laboratory, or  working on a special problem regarding the community structures organisms, then let me come up with an excellent scientific paper… life is great by then.

I am so busy daydreaming, building castles in the air, creating perfect stories out of imagination. I got all life’s fantasy. I been the person I always wanted and been to places… so may of those, only in my dreams.

            I had miss to realized the fact that I have to work hard in order for me to reach my dreams. Daydreaming won’t take me into reality. I have to work so hard—double time to catch the wasted time—if I can.

            I am a medical student. I should be studying so hard and learn facts religiously. I should not go to bed tired of solving the mystery file games and diner dash—I got case studies in biochemistry still. I should stop taking for granted those little facts.  I should spending more of my time with my books and not with Tom&Jerry.  I should be writing a Physiology laboratory report instead of editing my friendster profile. I should study Gross anatomy and master the parts of cadaver instead of judging people around me.

I had been so lazy, so crazy medical student for past few months.
It is not a good start I know… I am not learning the way a future doctor should… and I know pretty well that if I am not going to change my bad habit then I am not going to be a good Medical doctor someday.

            Well, what do you think guys? I hope identifying these faulty ways of medicine life could awaken my lost determination of becoming a GOOD doctor.


Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

My Life Starts Today

“Tonight I am going to prove myself how pointless the life I made. And tomorrow as the year shall end, I wished I could understand all the memories of 2007. I felt so sorry for everything that happened. My attitude towards my existence—I cried over silly things and laughed over painful moments—stupid as it is”
                                                                                CristyMay 12-31-07

The year 2007 was not as good as one would like to experience (a shocking one)…with memories that is dragging me down, and perhaps even worst than the year 2004—everything was remarkably bad.

Skipping years are so impossible though. I only wished I could.

But I am thinking of it this way, trying to justify the reality: Surpassing all the horrors and nightmares of 2004 and 2007 is a relief. It made me believe that I can be tough despite of my weakness.

And if I had wishes for this year, I hope I could have all the bravery I need and heart to understand everything that happened and will happen. I pray for acceptance, I guess that is all I need right now.

So that’s it. And today… my life starts.


Happy New Year

Prophecy.. Read it Right

..what we do, what we have, what we are, all depends upon what we think...    
   There are many instances in my life wherein my subconscious mind, perhaps, warned and informed me regarding how my future will be yet I disregarded them all those times.
        When I was in my 4th year high school, my adviser asked me to write a Class Prophecy. It only took me a night to finish my 10 pages article. I wrote down every single thing that crossed my mind. The first paragraph goes this way:
“Everything seems weird; all I remember was that I am a high school student of Maloco National High School. I thought it was just yesterday—time is so fast. I can’t believe myself I am entering a room with a sign on a door saying “the Doctor is IN” Cristy May B. Espańola, M.D. I am wearing a knee-length white gown and a stethoscope hangs on my shoulder. And on my hand I got a plane ticket to Aklan. I am going home after 10 long years—it is been such a long time I haven’t heard from my friends…”
    There goes my prophecy. After reading my piece in public during our JS Prom, someone sit beside me and asked “Are you serious you will not be home for 10 LONG YEARS, where will you be by then?” I just shrugged my shoulders--i dont know.
     Today, I wanted to see that curious man and tell him that I already got a good reason why I am not going home—one great reason of not going home.
    On April 14, 2002 I wrote a journal about my fantasy of studying at the University of the Philippines. During those times, I was not yet sure of pursuing on a Medicine degree due to financial instability. So I set my mind to study nursing instead and go abroad to seek greener Pasture.
        That same school year, I took an entrance exam at West Visayas State University for a degree in Nursing and at the same time, I did took the chance of applying in the UP for a pre-med course. I did pass both the exams but still I hold on to my decision of studying nursing till my mother told me I can go to U.P. and study medicine afterwards. There, that was the best news i ever heard.
        On the night of April 14, 2003 –that was a year after, I was packing my things and getting ready to attend the U.P. summer bridge program the following day.
        Recently, I remember in our literature class, we were asked to write a short story —topics that interests us will greatly do. A simple test on our imaginations. Then, I decided to write an article entitled “BUTTERFLY”—a sad ending story. It is all about how life being so unfair—like a caterpillar who struggled to climb up a tree, who wished someday to become a beautiful butterfly flying free from one garden to another, enjoying the nature and God’s blessings. A calm caterpillar working alone, strong and determined but unaware of the fact that she lives in an unjust big world—upon reaching the perfect place where she can undergo metamorphosis—the awaited moment of her life—poor caterpillar was attacked by a cruel hungry flying creatures. Deprived of something you struggled for after all the sacrifices you made.
        Let us just put it this way, some of us struggle yet often times we failed. others just sit down but got everything they need in just one snap.
        This is the way of the world of telling us life is unfair and living is a risk. We are indeed judged by our actions and people around us failed to recognized our intentions. We often times underestimate slow and sluggish people but we never know their intentions and potentials. Who are we to misjudge other people anyway? Do we have the right to judge one another?
        I continued the story and relate it with the life of poor charlotte. A young woman who been the best among people in her place—young as she was, she died of leukemia. Well, I hope it won’t happen to me—dying of leukemia!
       The story of charlotte also has its own sad romance. She was supposed to marry his childhood buddy in months and afterwards will enroll in a college of medicine at school nearby. But his fiancé happens to marry another woman (sounds familiar huh!) and she found out about her illness.
        When I wrote the story, I have no idea that what happens to charlotte will partly happen to me so soon. Though I am luckier than her, I still got chance to live because I decided to live. Maybe if I am weak, I'll be like Charlotte who dies after a love death.
        Everything happens with a silent alarm. i keep ignoring it before but starting today I should be more aware of things that crosses my mind. Things I never intend to say might be someday become meaningful. There is always a meaning behind every dream we made.

Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com