Heading Towards the Finish Line

I'm on my last trimester with less than 10 weeks until the estimated date of delivery—sixty seven more days to go. I am looking forward to embrace the beauty (as well as the other side of it of course) of parenthood.

Sleepless and Midnight trips to the bathroom to empty my bladder became my way of life this trimester. Getting a good night sleep became difficult again. My bumpy belly (bigger than before) brings no comfort.  That’s why I’m here blogging this early (it's four in the morning).

I’m very excited at the same time a bit impatient about meeting my child. The wait is longer than it seems. I can’t imagine myself waiting for another 10 more weeks.  Taking too long...

Along this waiting are my questions and fears. I can't pretend everything is fine. I have worries, too.

My “seem to be endless list of concerns” include…  

1. The fear of the unknown. While people around me are so eager to know of my baby’s gender. I am, on the other hand, is quite worried if my child is normal. Being once in a class of embryology, paediatrics, Obstetrics, gynaecology, genetics I am aware of certain possibilities. I wonder from day to day if my baby will be and is perfectly fine. 

2. The possibility of having serious complications during delivery aside from developmental failure. I’m praying for a trouble-free birth.

3. If I can cope up the pain of labor. What if I’ll collapse?!?  I’m just holding on to the fact that millions of women survived labor and delivery pain.Pain is temporary... It is! it really is! 

4. Financial aspect is getting on my way. I think of diapers, formula, clothing, bedding, cribs, toys, and much more. I should be preparing them, but I haven’t started yet. I wanted everything done before the baby arrives but we need to save for hospital bills and emergency medical cases instead.

5. Relationship with my partner, family and friends. My baby will surely bring changes. A lot of changes. I hope I can handle the pressures other than the things I listed on my post Bits and Pieces of me --things I already accepted that those will no longer be part of my life anymore. 

6. The Grandparents are going to "take-over" my child. My baby's grandparents from both sides are just as excited. What if they will re-live their early parenthood days and not allow me to feel the beauty of being a first-time mom? But I can’t deny the fact that needed help and they know best. I can really sense clash of ideas between us soon.

7. Worry that I won't be good mother. I guess I’ll just wait for my baby so my parenting instincts will kick in. 

8. Worry if we could provide. We are definitely challenged to offer the best of this world. The protection, the comfort, a good future, the necessary guidance, and less the fear of being alone.

9.  Going back to Med School. Being a “supposedly Soon-to be MD” (currently a Mom-to be), out of school and a super bum for that matter, I doubt if going back to school will still be an option after I gave birth. Although I have plans, going back won’t be easy anymore. I wonder who will look after my child and if I am strong enough to sacrifice.

10. The least I could ever think of is my physique. I’ve been feeling looking exhausted becoming the most ugly woman in our town. I never seen the motherly glow they’ve been talking about.  I got this nose like of Rudolph the red-nose reindeer; I got swollen ankles, my neck turned dark, etc.. Don’t get me wrong, I am not the kind of a supermodel neither the beach bum who wears two-piece prior my pregnancy. I’m not, but confidence lessened a bit. I’m starting to hate skinny pretty ladies my age.

  

Albeit all these fears is the simple truth that I am overjoyed. I know I can do better than all these. Looking forward to see my first born sometime in August.  

I want Mangga :)

All of the sudden I crave for a ripe mango!!!

Mangoes are my favorite fruit of all so this is  just a little bit of a random food craving(?)...

but not this early! it's 12:43 am, it's raining so hard and no one is going to buy for me...but even if there is, for God sake this is IBAJAY and the marketplace here closes as early as five in the afternoon.

Argh!

I hate this experience, every time I close my eyes all I see is M.A.N.G.O.

What the hell!

See you in my dreams my ever dearest mangoes...

2008 Manggahan Festival (Guimaras Island)

Reminds me of Manggahan Festival... Mango everywhere

Bigger and Wider

So... this is me getting bigger and bigger plus wider each passing month...
I got three more months left which actually means more months to gain weight...
Very frustrating...

A boy?... A girl?...

I’m eleven days earlier my appointment.

My non-productive cough got on the nerves of my mother that prompted “her” to consult me to a doctor. So to make the consultation story short, the doctor advised me to just rinse my throat with a saline solution since she found no significant findings upon auscultation—that cost me 250php already.

At least my visit served my prenatal-check as well which mean I don’t have to come back in the next two weeks anymore as scheduled. So! I am now weighing 60 kilograms and my fundal height measures 19cm. The doctor said it seems I was the only one gaining weight, not my baby. According her, I may be adequate on size but I don’t fit with the average 27-week old pregnant. I don’t really understand her. She always comes with “but’s and then’s” and after that will eventually tell me “You’re doing good, there is nothing to worry about”. I think I’ll never have a chance to like her.

In any way, I’m still looking forward to pay her a visit next month. I’m counting down the days! It’s because next month will be the month that I am going to know my baby’s gender. Cheers for that!!! Two out of ten people I know said I’m having a boy; the rest believed it’s a girl. Let us wait until next month then.

I am excited at the same time scared. Why? It’s because all this time I was bothered by the possibility of my baby to have some structural deformities.  I never knew, I never seen my baby developed…all I know is that my baby is alive and kicking. Is that enough?

Until next month… I'm praying for my baby’s good health. 

~99 days left

Today is good, much better than the previous. 

I’m not happy but at least I have no reason to feel sad. Well, there is actually… I rather choose not to be. 

My distress lies on whether if I can deliver my child normally. In which I am quite confident that I can although chances are… I have no idea what exactly will happen to me in the next three months.*crossed-fingers* (Prayers for good things along our journey)

I'm spending my days doing nothing here inside my four-sided room (aside from chatting with online buddies in the hope to free myself from boredom) while my partner on the other side of the world does everything that he can to earn a little for our expenses. Pleaded guilty for this but there is nothing I can do anyway, I can’t insist myself to make money as much as I wanted to help. 

We worry if we can afford to pay hospital bills and if we can provide our baby’s needs. I guess this is what it takes when you’re not prepared. Surprise! But instead of feeling sad I’m trying to convince myself everything will just be fine and will set the way we wanted. I know we can. We’re not geared up but that doesn’t mean we should feel bad  and regret. 

It is worth worrying... worth waiting... worth everything...

Everything is good.

 

Let it snow, Please!

It’s not Christmas yet…and there is no way that a snow would fall somewhere in the middle of summer. How possible could that be for a country located near the equator anyway?

Man! It’s hot! And I am pregnant!!!(do I have to mention that one?) Whew! and so I find myself singing… “Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!” (Just that line over and over).

By the way, my wish yesterday is still on the list waiting to happen: 

To own a freezer, a big one, as big as my room where I can hang out and may be where I can make my most wanted afternoon nap when the sun is at highest.

or maybe there is someone out there with a golden heart that is so good to  donate another air-conditioning unit for my room because the one here is not enough... 

Nah! That won't really work... so... I'll just sing... Let is snow! Let it snow! Let snow...

Room 312

Everybody is fine... will be fine in time...

I woke up as early as one in the morning that Friday, 15^th day of the month. I grabbed my cell phone on a wooden ottoman just beside my bed to make sure of the time and to check the sent items. I hardly remember what I felt the night before but I am pretty sure I message every single thing to my partner. I hate waking up in the middle of the night for I felt a little lost.  Such a strange feeling that sometimes it feels like falling oneself from a high. 

 The last text message I sent to my partner was an hour ago which means I did not have enough sleep yet. I told him how active our baby was, my lower back aches and I felt so tired despite doing nothing at all but watch any Hollywood movies that is showed on Star movies or HBO channel. 

That moment I felt pain, my lower abdomen contracted more than my baby moves. Moreover, it seems heavy like my baby wanted to push its head out my tummy. I was trying to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with me and my baby—that the pain I felt was a mere part of a normal pregnancy I was trying to tolerate every pinch of the pain actually. I tried that until 5 a.m. until I have fallen asleep. 

But I knew there was something to worry about.  I was tempted to text my partner that the spot of blood I found is freaking me but all I can ever sent him is a text message that says I love him. I was scared. The last time this happened to me was during my 10^th week and an ultrasound revealed a minimal subchorionic hemorrhage. I was relieved by a medication that lasted for 10 days and a pelvic rest (no sexual activities all during the medication period).  

At 8:00 a.m. that day my Ob is nowhere to find. I went to her clinic; to my disappointment her secretary can’t even tell where she is at. Her phone is out of reach. I almost send her a message saying “hey doc, are you ok?” sarcastically. I can’t believe no one knows where my Obstetrician is.

From her office, we went to the nearest district hospital where I had my urinalysis done. When the lab technician hand me the result I knew I’ll be having a week with 2 kinds of antibiotics for a urinary tract infection and another for a vaginal infection. 

From the hospital we went back to her office hoping that she can read the result and prescribe me the necessary drugs I needed but she was still out. Her secretary then said she was out for a week already and I'm not the only patient looking for her. Great, isn’t it? The doctor that is supposed to help me with my pre-natal care is not around. And you know what is greater than that? She is the only Ob in town; the rest is all general practitioners!!!

We went home, got my personal stuffs and headed ourselves to Kalibo, several towns from ours, to find another doctor. I don’t have to wait for my Ob to read the laboratory results. I don’t even have the idea if I can find her that day. 

So my mother drove me to Kalibo instead where there are better facilities (and of course where there is available doctor to attend to me). It is a 36-kilometer away from home and 45 minutes ride. In our case, since mama is the one driving, make it 1 hour and maybe another 10 more minutes. Before we arrive, we were informed that she was at Manila and she it is impossible for her to attend to me but she has someone to cover her duty. As Instructed we went to the clinic she told us. Upon checking, OB says I had this premature opening of cervix (triggered by my infections), specifically the external OS. My condition should be prevented or else it can lead me to a premature delivery of the fetus.

An hour later, I found myself in one of the ob-ward of Dr. Rafael Tumbokon Memorial Hospital. I was confined to 312 to have a bedrest, was given intravenous, and medications to relax my uterus and treat my infections.

I am now home from a three-day hospital admission. I was diagnosed with UTI (again) to consider premature labour. It didn’t scare me not until today when everything sinks in. I never realized that I almost lost my precious little one. Since I am only on my 5^th month my baby is not likely to survive.

By the way, I went home without seeing my Ob… The doctor that happened to cover up for her just uses the trunkline to check on me. J  

Special Request

A special request to the following to become our baby's godparents:

 Sheena dela Peña

Ellyn Villanueva

 Danielle Vanessa Ereñeta Arisola
Shannah Laminero

Aicee Alvarez

Roa Fuentespina

Christine Cogolio Feraren
Ma. Rowena Novillos

Ronald Esquillo

 Arnaldo Bangalisan
Thomas Albacete

Tets Camingawan

Dominic Pecadizo

Anthony Linsasagin

I'm little now, but I want to grow and be strong...
I want to do great things and make a difference in someone's life...
I want to live for the moment and enjoy the precious things that happen in the everyday and not take them for granted...
I want to walk along the paths that had never been walked and discover the beauty hidden there...
I want to be still and quiet and know that even though I am alone, I am not lonely...
I want to see the world and the majesty that lies therein...
I want to share my thoughts and dreams without being afraid of ridicule...
I want to be special...
I want to be loved and cherished for who I am...
I'm little now, but I will grow, and I want you there with me...


I indeed need some extra hands to help me learn and grow. 
I think that yours would be the best.
'cause Mommy and Daddy told me so.


Will you be my Godparents?

(note: I got the text from a pre-made online card, not my own words)

Promise of a new life

 

The promise of a new life 

beams like the sun rising o'er the East--   

Bright, vibrant, illuminating, warm. 

The light you are destined to bring to this world 

has already brightened all our lives-- 

as it is sure to spread to every corner of this land. 

Yet, even as shadow recedes as noon approaches there 

is always somewhere not warmed by the light-- 

how unfortunate these spaces would be if not lighted

by you--the warmest radiance of all.

And, as it is that we cannot but glimpse the brightness 

of our solar friend without fear of blindness, 

neither can we gaze into your brilliance to see 

what so many tomorrows will bring. 

But the promise of discovery makes every moment elapsed 

an eternity of possibilities.

And though we cannot know what bright future

destiny holds for you, 

we can all imagine, dream, ponder. 

Yet, in the end you will choose on what celestial path 

you wish to wander. 

And, such as the stars arise from the collection 

of matter to one venue, 

So will your life be made from what you gather 

from those around you. 

Thus, though the path you choose will be your own, 

the journey of your life will never be yours alone.

 

*by Chadwick A.


 

Wonderful days

Yesterday was wonderful,

For I saw a tiny heart beating...

Today I feel wonderful,

for it takes just a soft kick to remind me I am not alone...

And even more wonderful,

For I heard my baby's heart beating so fast...

But I bet tomorrow will be the most wonderful of all...

for I shall see the most beautiful smile...

Hear the sweetest cry...

and  feel the warmest touch...

I love you baby

Half way done :)

20th week pregnant

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m halfway done my pregnancy and as much as I wanted not to complain, I sometimes find my big belly very uncomfortable to move around. Every day is a day of dizziness, back pains, lower abdominal pains and among others. I thought I’d be more comfortable on my second trimester but I am absolutely not.

However, having my baby moving and kicking inside my belly is so amazing. Those kick (which I mistaken for popping air bubbles before I truly realized it’s my baby! Funny) is so creepy yet it makes my day complete.

and there is still so much of untold joys while my baby has a lot of growing left to do... :)

...so as my life

Lately, I deleted lists of people from my facebook account whom I never meet in person.  Then I started to hide posts of some friends especially those who are making great life. I hate seeing them celebrating and achieving. It made me feel bad but I don't want to be totally disconnected so they'll stay hidden for awhile.

While my friends is celebrating life, allow me to post a picture of my messy room--a little picture of the world I'm partly in. Untidy, stinky, dark and isolated just like my life.

I have no man to publish this blog entry to any of my other social account. I just wanted to rant hoping to realize something good before having my signature and clicking the publish post bottom.

I got a messy room. This is where I sit and think of  what and where could I be if I'm not here. This is supposed my comfort zone but look at it. I should be planning of skyline walk at Cebu City, Palawan escapades, sunset at Boracay Island, perhaps enjoying the cold weather at Baguio City with someone special, learn to surf at La Union. Instead of that, I imagine myself changing baby's diaper everyday, I'm troubled on how to carry a baby, and I am indeed suffering over the thought of staying at home all day.

Often times I thought of me being selfish for bringing an innocent in this weary world. I wonder if I can truly protect and can provide needs. If I can be a mother who can raise and grow a good citizen. I am just a bum. I am an anxious mom-to-be who wishes for nothing else but to free her child from mental and emotional problems so that he or she can handle the demands of the world.  How could that possibly be with this kind of attitude?

My baby will surely kick my ass and slap me the hardest if he/she can read this blog right now. This is absolutely bad. I should be posting my happy thoughts and talk about contentment more than ranting. Anyway, I am undeniably fortunate for having them. I just can't deny this side. My apologies.

Anyway, today is Sunday...I have to go and clean my room. I am hoping to clean up my life and clear my mind the soonest I can for my baby and my man.

See yah!

Dear little angel of mine,

baby, I love you

I don't know how you look like by now yet for me you are the most beautiful and I am sure that you will be that one who will wear the sweetest smile.

Today, I promised that I will be there for you on this journey and that being alone means more than I can never let you feel. You will never feel alone. Only love, care, security...Mommy will always there for you whenever and wherever life will bring us. I will always do my best and be the best mommy that I can be.

Baby, you already brought love and happiness to everyone out here and I can't imagine what changes you will still bring about with mommy and daddy's lives.

I am looking forward for the day  I'll be hearing your first cry and feel you around my arms. Daddy can't be here for awhile, but I'm telling you he is more excited than I am. We both love you and you will always be the best gift we ever got.

We are so eager to see. This won't take long until we see each other, please be strong. Mommy and daddy can't wait to see you.

By the way Baby, thank you for letting me feel this kind of love. I love you more each day.

Feels like what?!?

Today, I’m on my 18^th week. That was calculated based on my LMP which is not at all accurate. I'm doing good. I am fine. I'm happy.

Crap! 

Who told you pregnancy is a happy thing and where does "Wow!!! congratulations for being a mom-to-be!!!" started?. This kind of notion everyone has is pathetic.

The truth is sometimes I'm feeling good, the other times I feel unsecured.

Nowadays,  being appreciated is not enough . People around told me how pretty a mom-to-be I am like no other. Still, I feel like a perfect crap. The ugliest and a stinky pregnant who  hated to clean herself.

Then my insecurities with my partner's  past relationship bothers me a bit for the past month. I can't help it. I am worried for not having a strong foundation. But I was assured and felt the sincerity. Hypocrisy aside, I never felt so secure like this before. Well, not a perfect security one may be having. There are still things beyond our control that feeds this insecurities of mine.  The trust we're needing is certainly the center of our relationship. whew! You can never tell, so do I. Who knows about tomorrow anyway? No one does. Things can change in an instant. The world is tricky and the unknown will remain.

On top of this, I've been careless during the first "crucial month", ignorance though but can't help it but to feel guilty.   I underwent surgical extraction of an impacted molar which involves anesthetic, pain relievers and antibiotics. Not to mention the beers and cigars every Saturday night with my cousins and friends. With these reality, birth defects and complications been on my mind. 


My attitude is such a torture to my baby's development. I pleaded guilty for that. Now that I am on my half way of pregnancy, my prayers is that my baby will be freed from difficulties and be healthy despite all. My hope is a strong family ahead of us. 
 

Just begun

10 weeks AOG

Definitely I am! 26 more weeks to go, I can't wait to feel my little one around my arms. All the aches, pains and the feeling of being sick is nothing. In no doubt, my excitement overpowers my fear.

I almost forgot the day I told myself that I'll never conceive, no! I don't want any creepy creatures growing inside.

But hey! the feeling is overwhelming the very moment I knew that there is indeed a little one  struggling to survive inside my womb.

I am happy, excited and a little scared too.

My prayers for my little one.

I promise you to be here for you always.

I guess.. I'm having a baby :)

Is this true? Can somebody tell me I’m seeing only one line?!? Not two...Really? because I want to believe there is one line here and their is one more. It's faded though.

These lines are driving me crazy…it really does.

Am I going to start a new journey? A happy one I supposed. 

Looking back, I doubted all those symptoms to something else: my dislikes of food to toothache, the lower back pains to long office hours, and my breathlessness to smoking.

 I still can’t believe this is happening to me. I have a feeling this is going to be a very good year. Damn it, I'm so happy... I'm not even sure yet.

*crossed fingers*