Nightmare

The Medicine Auditorium was occupied with Doctors from different departments gathered for an Anual Clinico Pathologic Conference when I arrived. It was an overwhelming crowd. I am actually contented being seated at the back where I had a perfect view of what everyone is doing.

Today I thought of my younger self, back in time when I am fuelled with determination. One fine young lady, I supposed, bursting with strong points and promises. I was once standing in front of the crowd voicing my eagerness to someday wear a white coat with a stethoscope hanging on my shoulder, top of this is completing my name with 2 letters added after my  father’s—M. and D.— letters that empowers a good reputation.

The Class prophecy I read in front of the crowd (which I personally wrote) was the only way I could tell the world that I have a dream—that I wanted to be someone if only given a chance. During those times, it was rather impossible for someone like me to afford a Medical School, and survive it as well.

I can specifically picture out how gloomy I was to be listed as BA Psychology when all I wanted was a Science Degree in Biology as a Pre-Med course even though I was not assured yet of pursuing Medicine. I finished BS Biology and Medicine too. I was always secured. I always believe in myself. I am strong. I was once undistracted.

Today as I return from a 6-day hiatus, I remember all these. I desire to be revived. I want to breathe once again, of good hope.  I need my nerve back.

But how can I possibly finish my end when I am, in reality suffocated with anger? There, I found myself running away from the auditorium after being reminded that I'm shattered. I fail to compose my intentions. I was made-up to regain my strength but still too weak.

I found myself crying as if this agony cannot be fought. What really hurts most is a part concealed until becomes a little obvious…that I’m losing myself along my fading dream.

Behind the Scene

I’ll be on my Duty post (this supposedly be every 3 days) at the Emergency Room which will likely last 26-30hours depending on whatever circumstances may come about—my fear is not to be able to manage emergency cases amidst exhaustion and being mentally drained; I am more distress on dealing with some people whom I wish I'm not working with.  

Life behind this profession can be likened to a life of a poor hearted lad whose downfall of other people is the one that is  keeping them high, whose weakness is keeping them even stronger, whose darkside made them shineout and each scar they reveal from people made them beautiful. Pathetic way of becoming great. Our degree wont make most us any kinder (to each other), that is one thing. 

If this is one of the thousand ways of surviving, I cannot argue then. For there is a need for each and everyone to come out, not just alive but great...by all means

I am not a  perfect kind. I at times can become mad. I guess, as long as we dont messed up during the play and we keep this all behind... we are all doing this good. 

Life behind this nobility...

I shall survive this. 

Under Control

Three weeks of mentally somewhere in the middle of nowhere and three days physically out of the hospital...crap this life!

Im on a battle of ignoring the life I made myself. This is actually way too complicated than what I expected. Big trouble out of a little fun. hey! Things should'nt be this serious!

Things like this, happens, the least you expect (Trying to justify my situation).

Its not as easy as saying "I dont care" because no matter how may times I utter those lines to convince myself, I get tortured by reality. I do care. I am affected by actions, voices, words, stares, treatments of each and everyone.

Tortured by the need of not letting people know that I am hurting. At the very least, not to let them know reasons behind. And each time they notice there is something wrong, I easily sugar coat sadness by saying "I'm just tired" making it easier for me to avoid explaining myself because no one will question why Im tired.

Hurting because I once fell. I'm pained. I'm trapped. And Im like the kind of a patient who"ll say "I can't remember what happen" to all your queries because I don't want to remember. Simple as that. Time,date, place, nature has nothing to do on how you will treat me, or perhaps, knowing things from me will only make you add more insult which will aggravate unwanted situations. So... what choice do I get? Neither wont be a help.

I'm keeping myself in silence, instead. Ignore things around me, act like Im not seeing things that causes my heart suffer, go on like I don't hear words  that is hurting. ---too weak to accomplished all these plans yet.

My only fear is replacing this pain with anger, i can probably punch someone's face then (someone who is not affected at all!) for being part of this craziness too (kidding).

I'm wearing my blazer on again, not today, tomorrow  maybe. I will.

Ill get use to this. Ill get use with people and things around me. I wont be jelous, wont be mad, wont be crazy.

I left myself with only one choice.  I'll deal with the consequences which I actually anticipated from the very start. I'm not making this my unfinished business. This will end.

Face the situation, accept what is needed, and move on.

Be brave, my dear self.




"You can't control your emotions, but you can control your action" 

Staying young

"So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land." Peter Pan

 Apart the desire to look young is the eagerness to hold the innocence we once cling into—those days when we believed that life is beautiful. Those days when we never thought that our playground will soon be a battlefield. No one told us of that actually. Everyone has allowed us to enjoy and then soon after the pleasure was the surprises of seeing the unforeseen part of life—Failures, disappointment, and frustrations do exist. It is never easy to chase a dream unlike imagined.

Growing up, at times, is something we wish we can get rid of. There comes a time when we wanted to go back to the unrestricted world we once enjoyed during our childhood days. We sometimes long for those years when we know nothing about fear, when we ask instead of we search for an answer, when the only task that tired us was to arrange our toys in a shelf. Less troubled world. We are free of responsibilities, duties, and obligations. 

Being young also means the ability to solve tough problems because you are not baffled yet by the possibilities of failing. Focus was never an issue back then. Panic was never a part of life.  Thus, younger minds have better ideas. Sadly, some of us somehow lose the ability as we aged, as the roads we took distract us. 

To stay young.  It is the first thing we could ever wish for when our hearts are broken, whenever we are blamed, when we are discourage by life, when we are disappointed by our shattered dream,  and whenever we find ourselves astray amidst of nowhere.

When this kind of time will knock our day, it is not bad to pamper ourselves with everything we loved during our younger years. 
Walk down to the sea shore barefoot to collect shells
Climb a tree and have some time alone like there is no way for you to fall
Dance under the rain like no one cares
Have a break to play
Laugh out loud with old friends
Talk to someone younger than you
Remind yourself on how to laugh, how to make fun, how it feels like to be young. 
Freshen up your mind because there are times when we forget how to laugh.

It is not bad to laugh like a kid. Just set your limitation on how young you would go. What am I talking about? to follow peter pan to Neverland (it's your choice anyway). The idea of flying away to a magical world with Peter Pan is a fantasy of many because everyone wanted to stay young.  Despite my envy to him for he is embracing a world of fun, I never wanted to be like him. He is a man (?!? / a little man?!?)… Whatever! He is someone who did not take on the responsibility of adult life. He is now flying around the never land—no job, have not settle into a relationship, he is watching generations suffer as it comes and go. I wanted some of the things Peter does not want. I want to be one responsible grown-up, I want a job, and I want a relationship. Peter pan might embrace the joy and wonder of being young but has lost sight of the purpose—that part, I do not want to happen in my life.

Well, I do not really want to condemn Peter for what he is right now. Everyone has a purpose and choice. I want to respect them whatever it may be. I have my own and my purpose in life is to grow up and conquer life.

Gone are those days… Peter Pan is not going to fly to my window and will not take me to Never Land. If he will, I'll choose to stay here on my own real world. Here, I can stay adventurous—I can stay young at heart.

"Second to the right, and straight on till morning." Peter Pan

How good is it to be pretending all the time?

Pretending to be someone and something else isn’t a bad thing (not all the time). In nature, most of the living creatures camouflage to remain unnoticed by their predators. They tend to blend with the environment for protection so as to survive, often times remained immobile until predators were gone of their sight. 

Humans on the other hand wear this concealed mask called pretension. For some, pretending is a way of survival. The world is crazy! The more you show the world who you really are, the more they will be eager to see the other side of you. You should know what mask to wear on the right place and on the right time to the right crowd.

Then...consider that fact that the more you show real emotions (especially serious dreaded emotions) the more you condemned yourself to the losing side. One of my college professors always remind me not to present the negative side! (He was referring to my papers) but I think hiding the bad side is also of a good help to cope up with life. It can help you recover from pain easily. Because sometimes, it is the people around you who knows everything about you that can make things more complicated. there are times that even if you already moved on, the people around you will pull you back because there are people out there who find pleasure in your tears.

If pretending is not your business in life, if the term PRETENDING is not listed on your vocabulary as you say (because you think pretending is way of telling “I tricked on you!”) then better wear the poker face. Better to keep things neutral. Don’t react. Don't talk. Stay right in the middle of the situation. Think of first which way to go before moving. With this, you will not be held liable on fooling someone because you did nothing. I personally agree with this. Just like playing the cards where they keep poker face on to win the game by misleading the opponents into making false assumptions. By that, they can make their moves without distractions. 

In life we should learn tricks—a lot of ticks to survive. Pretending and Wearing a Poker face.

When my friends and I went to Tagaytay for a coffee, a performer outside the shop got me thinking about how good it was to be like him pretending. He is a white-faced man. His face concealed with thick make-up but his eyes spoke for him. 
Tired 
Exhausted 
Unhappy 
Ashamed
Yet he still tried to make us laugh. He showed enthusiasm, tried to make faces to entertain thus appeared good in front of the us. 

In one point I told myself he is a  kind of a strong man. He entertained regardless what he really feels that time. Maybe he is doing the same thing in his life. He faces the world everyday no matter how bad he feels. 

In another point, he reminds me of my weak soul…

I pretend to be happy although I am not (then complain why people don't understand me *grin*). Most of us laugh in the hope to produce tons of endorphins because laughter combats pain (not bad anyway). Yeah! Not so bad, we should do that laugh therapy.

What if we do this all the time?

We desire to find a hiding place simply because we don’t want people to know us. 
Most of the time we can’t hide from them so we wear mask instead. 
We want to show only the good side of us… as a STRONG person 
We all struggle to meet the world’s greatest expectation—to surpass life’s battle field. 

How good is it to pretend? 
If I pretend to be deaf, am I not going to hear anymore the rumors that discourage me to talk and speak out? 
If I pretend to be blind, am I not going to see anymore the things I intentionally outrun from the past? 
Is wearing a mask can also hide me from my own pain, aside from hiding those pain from the people who has no other desire than seeing me drown in agony? 

The problem comes not just when we hide from other people. 
The problem comes when we forget the reality. 
The problem comes when we lost in touch of our own selves because we overly pretend to be someone we are not. 
The problem comes when we don’t ask for help because we are afraid to be labelled as weak. 

I guess if it begins to hurt us then we have to take it off already. If we can no longer hear ourselves when we only intended to keep our voices from people in our fear of rejection and discrimination. If we can no longer sense ourselves when we should only be hiding it from people who is trying to harm us in one way or another. Take that mask off!

I don’t know exactly why this wearing a mask bothered me so much today. When I woke up this morning I feel so down…I got this superb emotion for no reason… yet I am fed up hearing people say “you should be fine, there is no reason not to”.   

I was thinking to pretend I’m SO FINE… I AM FEELING GREAT TODAY. YEAH!

That Woman...

Sketched by my high school friend, Merwin Abello

She was once the woman of determination
She once had the courage to conquer what is ahead of her
Strong as she was
She once a picture of a woman who stood undisturbed amidst circumstances

Time passed by her
She remained where she was until rusted
Until discouraged by her own fate
She lost it all
She remained hanging on that same wall
She remained just a picture

She forgot who she was
She even forgot where she came from
And then she forgot what she wanted to be

Forgotten by all
She abandoned her old self

That woman
Behind the picture is a woman wanting to live again
she wanted to bring with her the courage and determination she once had
She wanted to be the woman
...that woman

Almost over with wander-wonder years...

It’s been a good rest… a year of wander-wonder. I went to places where I hope I can find myself then marvel on whether becoming a physician can satisfy my existence. It’s quite a long time. I am also bored; I hoped everyone is aware of that.

I already made my decision on going back to med school the soonest I can but for all we know things had already changed around and within me. My decisions already depend on things beyond my control, not just on my own will unlike before. If my parents are still willing to support my studies then that will be good; If I am capable of becoming a good mother and a good student at the same time then it will be better. 

I am honestly missing the days of pursuing dreams. But if it is not really for me, I am also open to every possibilities life could offer. What really matters for me is to start again which is somewhat complicated to make but at least possible to do.

My Weakness becoming my strength

Behind the strength I Impart is a weak spirit that set in so I can carry on. I am not strong, but I'm struggling to be—giving all the best that I can so I can survive. The changes of becoming and unbecoming might be subtle. There are moment’s gone unnoticed, pain being ignored, and tears kept to solitude. I am the picture of pretension, I may be, and yes I am.

Things are manage differently in the hope to discover something to fill the missing links—at the very least not to make another one. But then, things remained disconnected.

I search endlessly thus this journey exhausts me. Each morning comes with a question, as if the chirps of the little birds outside my window are there to remind that I still got no answer until this time. I should have it by now. Ignorance is always the most exhausting part of this journey--the "not knowing part of life"

Despite this melodramatic series I stayed to show the world that I am good. The sadness within me will motivate me to search for a happy walk, my weakness for my search of strength and my pain to seek for a restore.

This journey is yet to end. There are a lot to be done, truths to be told, and dilemmas to surpass.   Unending it maybe, round and round it will always go but this long route I took will someday make me feel being rewarded.  

Crossroads

Right now I am standing at the middle of the crossroads and the perfect thing is… I don’t know which path to take. There’s this path that will lead me to what I need—to the world where practicality prevails where I can earn a living, at least to support myself. The other one will lead me to the world of my wants—to become a doctor of medicine. I am considering both to be good although I am aware that sooner or later I have to decide which is better than the other.

wrong side

“It’s ok”


I've been telling myself I'll be fine in time. Sounds crazy? Aye! I am talking so exactly like me. I am trying to lift up my own spirit so not to give up despite the proven fact that I am a quitter. It seems so easy to hold on things and then later ended up disappointing one’s self. I mean, to let go of something you should not. It is actually traumatic, it can make you not to hold on anymore.


I thought I’m already at peace. Well, I should have accepted the fact that I am always on the wrong side. I never had the chance to be so damn right! *sigh*


I been constructing my defences. I could have prepared myself for more. That’s exactly my point, I haven’t prepared well. I did not see things coming my way. Things I am not even sure of if it is bad or good for me. All I know right now is that I’m on a shaking ground and I am not capable of protecting myself. I wished I could though. I wished I am allowed to.


But I feel sorry that I am not.

Perpetualite to Bid Goodbye...

I finally had the time to write. I’ve been lazy for the past few days for two extreme reasons: I am simply tired (literally) and frightened more than usual. I’ve been to Luzon and back here in Visayas in three days time and with that time span worries were accepted, and awareness was established.

That night before I left for Cavite was filled with upsetting noises that only I can hear. Having this kind of ears that can perceive the sound others cannot is driving me crazy. The sound within me was even worse than that of crickets at night. I feel like a dead woman for my body was cold but ironically I never heard my heartbeat that loud. I am not sure if I had fallen asleep or I was just there staring blankly all over my room until the sun was up. From time to time, I was tempted to write to get rid of all the bewilderment in my mind but I barely had the courage to put my thoughts into words. My throat sores as I read out lout to break the annoying noise that was keeping me up. I failed to free myself from panics. Thus, I stayed late and ended up more like of a zombie acting creature the next day. I sometimes picked up things not knowing what it is for.

 The day I left, I waited for almost four hours before the bus had arrived. But four hours is not enough, I wished then to stay as eager as my heart and my mind wanted me to stay. I don’t really want to go but the College of Medicine of University of Perpetual Help-DJGTMU requires my presence for my exit interview with the Student of Affairs. As I waited, one memory keeps on flashing back. I was sitting outside the chancellor’s office trying to weigh up things. It was my birthday and I told myself that Perpetual is not my home to stay with. I never knew then that I will be provided with reasons to leave, good enough to break away.

I went back to my school for my exit interview and to request for transfer credentials. To my disappointment my qualifications as a registered Medical student were all gone at the registrar's office. That includes my NMAT result, my NSO birth certificate, and my College TOR. Surprisingly true, my envelope of records was empty. I don’t want to think that it was ripped off but I am actually considering it. But then again, my determination was firm enough to take my grounds. I happened to have an extra copy of my college TOR and NSO birth certificate, and I went to Center for Education Measurement at Makati City to retrieve my NMAT grades.

There, I am now a Certified Perpetual Student but too bad I needed to sign for my exit clearance right away.

Some said I should have stayed. Perhaps I could but I would not because I wanted to save my dreams. I’m holding on and I made my choice to be alive. This is not a waste of time; this is not a failure, not my defeat. No matter how tricky the road is, no matter how long it will take, this is still my journey... Someday soon I'm going to tell my story with pride. I’ll be learning in every route I’ll take. At the end, I’m not going to sit down and dream of my life but I’ll rather be going to start another walk to begin a different journey—endless as it is.
 

Leaning On

 At times, you think of nothing but to be given a chance. But chances are you can end up in a corner with nothing. For the worst of it, be disregarded. This is the time when a simple act of standing becomes easier said than done, like those bad times when you find yourself leaning on a wall nearby while waiting for someone to pick you up… someone to push you to keep you moving.

Those moments you always had; standing alone under the rain hoping raindrops can cleanse your soul and wash off  away all of the pain. In one second you have gone crazy, wanting to fall and letting go, wanting to fly away til the wind can dry your teary eyes.  

I had enough of it...

When everything is said and done,  then perhaps,I can bid the world goodbye.

Escapade

I'm preparing for "another escapade". Something that is never planned but not surprising, at least to me. Just exactly the same kind of journey only on a different kind of road.  Partly for a change of an environment (perhaps to find a space for growing because the old hiding place is suffocating already), and partly because I feel like running away, AGAIN.

True. Weeks from now, I'll be meeting some new friends, follow some new rules and regulations, deal with new people, adopt a new environment. But hey! normality speaks, being new and having one is everything; like a puppy is better that a dog, a puppy love is more exciting than a married relationship, a baby is  more entertaining than a grown-up, a gadget is cool only if it is still out of the market but when everything gets old and worn out, the excitement gone and fades as if it brought nothing to one's life. It is not all about running away, it can also be about making the impossible to come true-- restarting life-- a way to be admired and be appreciated once more..

To be able to find a place where you really belong is an assurance but I now consider how good it was to be a stranger at all times in all places. Good enough to run away when things gets worst.

closing eyes...

I apt to dwell in the dark and let the nightmare play as if I had no other choice but to scare myself and make a creepy ghost out of my existence.

I was shattered into pieces and turned into dust til my being is no longer visible and my essence gone.

I felt alone in a middle of the crowd.

And if closing one's eyes is a way that could prevent from sinking to abyss of melancholy then I would close mine.

Yet I learned that the more I face the world blindly, the darker my world becomes , and the greater my chances of falling apart into pieces.

A little bit of something on my 11th day

People come and go; often times its just because of natural death where one, happy or not, had no other choice but to leave behind the weary world, some people were lucky enough to travel around, some decided to migrate, some had given up their life, some had settled down to have their own families-- perhaps, they're the chosen few who was lucky to grabbed hold of  a moving world.

 Although, it is now unnecessary to make another drama because life is happier today (but still I want to tell the world this is what I feel) that I was one of the undefined--trapped in a place where no one knows it existed and where uncertainty is the only thing that keeps us moving. I'm in my own world.

Life is becoming more depressing each passing day. An overwhelming surprises happens anywhere and everywhere at any times. Surprises that sometimes gives meaning to an otherwise worn out existence. Little revelation that brought about light that could lead the way… surprises that sometimes came along like a strong wind that blows out the light until sadness govern the day.

this is life and its uncertainty...

To stop is not to quit

To stop is not to quit. 

Sometimes to stop is to start a new life.

I decided to stay where there is awareness of how each and everyone live. I desire to live fairly and accordingly, and not to go with the waves and surf the meanness of the unjust existence. If life is really a game, I deserved a fair one because I'm playing it fair and square. 

Without a doubt, this world got a life of dealers; unfortunately, sometimes negotiations and arrangement for survival is quite necessary even if it will took  a life. And I cant live mine with such. I will be happy living no matter how simple my life will be as long as I'm not stepping on anyone's dream. Often times, survival of the fittest is no longer an issue because not everyone survived fits. Reality speaks.

Yes! I decided to stop and leave the place I thought could provide a strong  foundation for my dream. But this is not about quitting though.  I may not be coming back for  I was given enough reason to leave and I was pushed to my limit. It is an overwhelming relief. I don’t know why but it feels like I'm being released from imprisonment the moment I was told that I am not going back anymore.

I can feel the breeze, and I can breathe. 
It may appear to be quitting for some, or justifying my failure but this is my way to start a new and a fair life.
 

A! freedom, I got you! I'll be holding you so tightly, as tight as I could so you wont slip away.

"Tito Choy"

(March 18, 2010 7:37 PM)

"Don’t talk to strangers", whatever rule they’re calling it—golden or not—I don’t care.  For me, one of the most important lessons I can learn in life will come from strangers—particularly those people I can discuss topics of everything under the sun for a moment or two. It is my innate nature to talk to strangers. During my college years for instance, I used to exchange stories with a bus driver or with a bus conductor. I love my experienced. I can’t remember their names after the acquaintance, but their ideas on how to live and how they appreciated life is awe-inspiring—lesson learned from them lingers. That's why riding a bus or going to different places is never boring because I can surely meet a lot of people that could inspire me. The story of their lives is an extraordinary inspiration. They were great people from all walks of life. Talking to them is better than talking to a professional who talks about his unending wants in life.

A thirty-something man in corporate attire that seems to be in a hurry had managed to stop walking and offered help to carry my baggage. I smiled and bowed my head a little to say how thankful I am for his kindness. I have two reasons for my refusal. First and foremost, because I have to consider him being a busy man—every second counts. Secondly, I have to be vigilant no matter how I love talking to strangers. I'm at Metropolis outside Alabang Star Mall carrying a baggage that weighed 18.5 kilos! I hate to think that walking in that place alone with some personal belongings is quite risky. I was told that it is one of the places where snatching of cell phones and bags as well as stealing is rampant in the face of the traffic enforcers as well as police officers standing at every corner of the place.

Another young tourist smiled and offered help sincerely, even without stopping. Although I know he is just trying to show off, well it is better than showing no kindness at all. You know people when they're just one of the strangers. They're too good to smile at others and can offer help. And since I'm one of the strangers right there, I smiled back! This is one of the good things of being one of us—because we know nothing about the place and the danger it can bring us—innocence can make us believe that there is a wonderful place left. That we can still live the day with no doubts. Isn’t it amazing to be a stranger?

Later than that, as I tried to negotiate with the taxi drivers for a lower fare going to domestic airport I met Tito Choy. I had 2 hours left, and whether he will give in or not to my offer, I had no choice but to take his cab. At first, I thought of him taking advantage of my need but I tried not to spoil the moment. I had a lot of things to think upon. I don’t want to be distracted by shallow arguments.

He started the conversation; he talked about parenting, his dreams in life, and contentment. We both exchanged ideas and before I knew it, we arrived at the airport 45 minutes before my departure. I forgot how irritated I was to him prior to our conversation. Before I closed the door he called my name at once and said, “I bet you’ll be the best, you take good care of yourself”. Whatever impression I gave him, I hoped he had read it right.

In the waiting area after I had checked in, I bought 2 pieces of brownies and a bottle of water for myself. I realized I haven't eaten anything for the past 30 hours. I can feel and I can hear my tummy grumbles during that moment. I lost my appetite, even the brownies taste like it’s already a month-old or two but it is not. I seated in a back row waiting for boarding time although there were vacant seats near the television so I can be entertained. I stayed away. I don’t think the programs will suffice the emptiness that I’m feeling. I am as well nervous to see my parents that I’m planning not to get in the plane. I put in my sweater trying to comfort myself—my hands were cold and my body trembled. I wanted to run away, live in a certain place where I can be surrounded by strangers. I wanted to be forgotten by everyone who knew me—and if I can, to go unseen.

The moment I buckled up my seat belt my tears rolled down my cheeks like there were no other passengers and flight attendance around me. I can’t stand firm. I'm going home because I failed. My cry tells a thousand words I cannot speak of. How I long to be held close by my parents and be cuddled like a baby—I am scared though and felt unworthy of my longings. But then again, I heard the voice of Tito Choy from nowhere that there is always an unconditional love of a parent no matter how disappointed they may be. All that I’m hearing was his voice and his understanding. I wished I could talk to my parents the way I talked to him; maybe they too will understand and will advise the same thing.

 I haven’t had the chance to embrace my parents as tight as I wanted to and perhaps like I needed… but the mere fact that they were there waiting for me outside the Kalibo airport is enough.

I’m home. Not as sweet as one may expect but it is.

I can't find my way out...

Today is another day...

when all I wanted to do is to dig within and look for hope...

and all I wish to remember is how it feels like to be inside my mother's womb...

when I desire for nothing else but enlightenment...
I seem to be stranded amidst darkness...

Dark  and empty world... is this how it feels inside that womb? This is perhaps the reason why I wanted to see the world back then, its because of my search for light and freedom to move. Now that I'm feeling the same thing in almost the same situation of being in a dark... I wish I could find a way out here.

Don't Quit

If quitting is as easy as signing a contract, let me sign mine. But I was told that the only way out is to finish the business.

Distracted

 I am distracted of being a student and being within my parents premises right now.  That's it, I said it right and directly.

I'm on my 24th year of being dependent to them. Oh my… A very frustrating reality; All my friends are out there earning a living while I still depend with  what my parents can offer me. Some of my girl friends are  carrying bags of diapers and baby stuffs, while I am here carrying bags of notes and books. It feels like I had nowhere to go and seems I'm in the middle of nowhere again.

At 24, I got all the disappointments one can get--

bad life…

bad decisions…

Being alienated…

Rocky roads…

Failing memory…

Worst attitude…

And down the line!