Thirty Five Minutes Gone

I have exactly thirty five minutes before the day is over. I’ve been lying all alone in my bed for hours trying to get a good sleep but then was disturbed by some creepy thoughts. The current condition out here is not a picture perfect but still can be pictured out; All lights are gone, the music stopped playing, the television been turned off, all I hear is nothing but silence. With this awareness of how dark my surrounding is, I feel like I’m nowhere to be found. All I could ever see outside this room is dark just exactly what I feel inside me. From within I can sense how big the universe is, boundless.

I’m somewhere there. Can you see me amidst the sparkling dots? Maybe the smallest one...or perhaps you can no longer see me at all because everyone’s glow darkens mine. 

The big world makes me feel smaller than I am.

Source: None via Cristy on Pinterest

I am being embraced by loneliness. I’m totally disarrayed to pick the right reason to be happy. I’m blinded by everyone’s glimmer, so blinded not to appreciate my own spark anymore.

Yet I’m a fool if I’ll say I had no reason to smile because I know I have a lot around me. I’m lost. I appear to be missing one precious thing.

I have thirty five more minutes (maybe already lessened by now) to complete one mission tonight: To be freed and to break-away from what is current.

Let me see…

Aside from watching movies aired on HBO and Star Movies I was busy updating my social network accounts. As you can see, I am good-for-nothing spending most of my days talking to random people about random things by just sitting inside my room.

I am busy with pinterest. As they say, re-pinning is such a fun reminder of the clothes you’ll never afford, the home décor that will never fit into a small room, the recipes and crafts you’re too lazy to make, the saying you wasn’t clever enough to think of your own, and the photos you wish you had taken but didn’t. The only good thing I can see in this site is that the feeling brought by someone who re-pinned what you already pinned. It makes you feel that somebody out there shares the same interests with you.

As always, I am Busy with “facebook” which was likened by one member to a “jail” where you sit around to waste time , have a profile picture, write on wall and get poked by guys who really don’t know you. A place where people like your problems and would commenting on them but will keep you hanging. It is a place where you witness how people achieve and celebrate life while you try to update yours hoping they’ll see you celebrating also even if you are actually not. In the end, connecting to people can disconnect you to who you really are because you try to be one of them. Well, at least that is from my own point of view.

And then I am busy with plurk, my life on the line. The latest social network I registered with where I choose not to show other members my personal details; only a screen-name, my gender and country. Sometimes it’s funny how you interact with people whom you don’t know but talk like you already know them for years. You exchange stories then the next hours they’re gone leaving you ideas on how people is from different walks and times.

 The top of this is that I totally lost my passion on writing blog despite the creepy and disturbing thoughts. It seems that those short lines I posted such as “I hate it” and “I’m sleepy” among others was enough to get rid of the disturbing mood I’m into. I post like everyone is interested with what I'm doing every second. That's not true in any way, the hell they care with the movie I watch, the food I'm eating, the mood I'm having.

But it is never enough to keep myself busy. I left myself disturbed. Here I am, back and ready to rant.

Tonight’s challenge is to bring back my old self, the one who find ranting as way of making something good for one’s way of life. To write hoping to make some realizations and attribution. In any way, find answers.

Because despite all the wonderful things that is happening right now I am confused if I truly feel it as wonderful or I just think of it as it is. Am I just here convincing myself?

I sometimes wonder why am I here and where should I supposedly be if I am not. Maybe I can call this “regrets”. That maybe if I’m only good and wise enough I am not here isolating myself in fear nor crying to sleep all night. I should be out there enjoying more of life.

I sometimes wonder if I could still be good and will I ever find my lost ground again. It’s been days of questioning existence; how come? Why then? What should be? It’s been days of daydreaming on all the things I really wanted.

These are all about wanting the things I never had and I never did.

But I can never turn back the time as much as I wanted to. I am not even sure if I can move on as the old me or I should be the other person walking forward to face what is ahead tracking a different path.

I don’t know. I really don’t. I think thirty five minutes is not enough.

Times up! If you'll be needing me, see me in space...

...so as my life

Lately, I deleted lists of people from my facebook account whom I never meet in person.  Then I started to hide posts of some friends especially those who are making great life. I hate seeing them celebrating and achieving. It made me feel bad but I don't want to be totally disconnected so they'll stay hidden for awhile.

While my friends is celebrating life, allow me to post a picture of my messy room--a little picture of the world I'm partly in. Untidy, stinky, dark and isolated just like my life.

I have no man to publish this blog entry to any of my other social account. I just wanted to rant hoping to realize something good before having my signature and clicking the publish post bottom.

I got a messy room. This is where I sit and think of  what and where could I be if I'm not here. This is supposed my comfort zone but look at it. I should be planning of skyline walk at Cebu City, Palawan escapades, sunset at Boracay Island, perhaps enjoying the cold weather at Baguio City with someone special, learn to surf at La Union. Instead of that, I imagine myself changing baby's diaper everyday, I'm troubled on how to carry a baby, and I am indeed suffering over the thought of staying at home all day.

Often times I thought of me being selfish for bringing an innocent in this weary world. I wonder if I can truly protect and can provide needs. If I can be a mother who can raise and grow a good citizen. I am just a bum. I am an anxious mom-to-be who wishes for nothing else but to free her child from mental and emotional problems so that he or she can handle the demands of the world.  How could that possibly be with this kind of attitude?

My baby will surely kick my ass and slap me the hardest if he/she can read this blog right now. This is absolutely bad. I should be posting my happy thoughts and talk about contentment more than ranting. Anyway, I am undeniably fortunate for having them. I just can't deny this side. My apologies.

Anyway, today is Sunday...I have to go and clean my room. I am hoping to clean up my life and clear my mind the soonest I can for my baby and my man.

See yah!

always wanting the “other” thing

In 2007, a long and  a winding road had given me enough reason to sign up for a site. "cristymay.multiply.com" became my hiding place, my bin for my trashes, my megaphone for my shouts. It was always a relief by then to hang out online and let go of ramblings from time to time. Those were the times I felt I was heard and understood because a lot of my contacts tend to connect with me almost sincerely. My posts gathered comments like “yeah, I know how it feels” or  I always had a shoulder tap from a friend the very next day while saying “hey, I read your blog”.

In 2009 I decided to concentrate on posting pictures than posting blog entries in the thought that pictures do make a thousand of words. For three years I posted 158 photo albums all in all. Not bad for someone like me who only got a 2.0 mega pixel camera phone to take pictures.

But sometimes too much of connections can be annoying especially readers tend t visit for an update or to clarify the gossips they just heard and not really into relating their lives into yours. My hiding place became crappy. So I longed for privacy. As a result I limited myself on just posting pictures at multiply then transferred all my blog entries at blogger where no friends follow me.

Now that I'm having the privacy that I wanted, I'm feeling stupid that no one responses on my posts. I was wondering if there is someone out there who reads my posts. I wonder how it feels again to be understood and be heard. Sometimes i just reassure myself that I don't need readers at all because I am writing to help myself in making attributions on tricky situations.

The bottom line of this is that I am a natural being who will never have a sense of satisfaction—always wanting the “other” thing.

I was carried away by my emotions...

My sincere apology for flooding my facebook wall with such posts. I was carried away by my emotions, so extreme as it is, that I was not able to control myself. I should have confronted her, talk to her in person instead of acting like a 5th grader.  I'm sorry for not presenting myself properly, I pleaded guilty for that. However, I'm not taking back my words. My fault was to published my emotions and not feeling such way.

No, I'm not going into details. I just want to be frank for I felt like being betrayed. SERIOUSLY!
I know that was so plain, and what happened was shallow. But the idea that she can actually do such thing is stressing me. I've been through a lot and what she did spark some memories of betrayal. Perhaps, what happened was just a cheery on a top of an icing and cake. I've been bending my back for her, rescheduling my appointments several times. I'm trying to understand her actions as much as I could. For that, I'm just tired of inconveniencing myself for the convenience of others. I am so fed up.

I wished I could cry away my hate for her so tomorrow everything will be fine. 

For now, I am going to bed, I'll sleep if I can

"Action Completed Your account has been cancelled"-- friendster

there goes the message saying "Action Completed Your account has been cancelled" from friendster. 

Perhaps, this is just a part of my craziness right now but I am so decided to cancel all my existing social accounts...  

I am drowning in pain again, I wanted to isolate myself from the world, stay disconnected, give some time for my self to think, go to place where I can see the whole picture of my life right now. I feel so small and the world around me is so big. I wanted it to be the other way around. It would be easy then.

Soon I'll be deleting facebook if can give up my yoville and farmville! (seriously, that's the only thing that keeps me holding) or better yet, erase another set of friends. I'm not going to do such with my multiply and blogger account though. The two remains my hiding place in moments like this-down, empty, and no one to talk to...this is where I confess everything.


I got friends alright, only that, it is a matter of accepting their criticism for me to grow or face their rejection. 

sometimes I like to believe that there are a lot of people out there who doesn't understand why some of us post what we feel in the net or blog instantly. An honest status at facebook for instance will not yield comments right their but when they see you in person they'll just surprise you with sarcasm. For them what is right is what they're doing. and if they're not doing what your doing then you are absolutely wrong! If something is difficult for them to manage, they'll tell you about the hardship they been through. If things become so easy in their part and not on yours, they'll tell you "what the hell, how come you don't know that?, are you serious?!?" as if your dumb and silly. 

They talk as if you have no right to feel emotions other than happiness.

Crazy-Lazy-Future-MD

Is it stupid to say that the world indeed has the capability to turn us upside down? My innocent belief when I was once a little kid attacked my mind early this morning. Those days when I pictured out myself living outside the planet, so when it turns around the solar system we have to be very careful because we might fall out...well then I tried to convinced myself that we live inside the planet, so I don’t have to worry of falling out into the solar system!  I will never live long out there—it is so dark even if it has all the stars I love.

It scares me until I learned from my basic science courses about gravity and the likes. Hmmm… see what a simple science can do? It can clear up our puzzled thoughts and can make us feel better—giving us peace of mind by answering all our questions with giving us  reliable basis. That’s why I love science! It explains us very well the cause and effect of a thing up to its detailed and tiny element. That’s how science amazed my young mind.

            Loving science, I took up biology  and was inspired to enter medicine—for an everlasting wonderful world of discoveries.

            I am not going to talk about science technicalities here, I am not good at that… though I was exposed to science for years… I wished to master the secret of science! I really love to study and learn more facts. But, i guess it won’t happen for a lazy crazy future MD like me, right?
         
            The problem with me was I am too pre-occupied with my dreams. I wanted this and that. I planned for this and that. I am going to be like this someday… someday… and someday.

        Becoming a medical doctor or working in a laboratory, or  working on a special problem regarding the community structures organisms, then let me come up with an excellent scientific paper… life is great by then.

I am so busy daydreaming, building castles in the air, creating perfect stories out of imagination. I got all life’s fantasy. I been the person I always wanted and been to places… so may of those, only in my dreams.

            I had miss to realized the fact that I have to work hard in order for me to reach my dreams. Daydreaming won’t take me into reality. I have to work so hard—double time to catch the wasted time—if I can.

            I am a medical student. I should be studying so hard and learn facts religiously. I should not go to bed tired of solving the mystery file games and diner dash—I got case studies in biochemistry still. I should stop taking for granted those little facts.  I should spending more of my time with my books and not with Tom&Jerry.  I should be writing a Physiology laboratory report instead of editing my friendster profile. I should study Gross anatomy and master the parts of cadaver instead of judging people around me.

I had been so lazy, so crazy medical student for past few months.
It is not a good start I know… I am not learning the way a future doctor should… and I know pretty well that if I am not going to change my bad habit then I am not going to be a good Medical doctor someday.

            Well, what do you think guys? I hope identifying these faulty ways of medicine life could awaken my lost determination of becoming a GOOD doctor.


Originally posted at
cristymay.multiply.com

Something with Nothing

my friend Danaya (weng)

friend Rianne (Ate Marriane)

I spent my sembreak ’07 with one-eyed freak aliens. Sounds weird, it really was. I am known as Amihan I remember, and sometimes I intentionally switched my identity to “Kape”—a black one.  My friends and I met every night at Rocketon and we stroll around the planet—there were lots of places to go—planet phalanges, meow2, pine, Saturn, and …I can’t remember the rest… well, I do miss chatting with my alien friends Asukal and Rianne. And occasionally, Dianna my recruited friends joined us to fool around.

            So what’s with this alien? Nothing…

            Now for christmas break, I no longer visit rocketon but i still keep in touch with my alien buddies.. I now keep myself busy with my fluffy friend… a puppog facebook pet I named “Bricks” who live in a Bark kingdom… I been petting him for a month already and I am enjoying it, Again!

Not a smart idea though, to pet fluffy friend and monitor its mood and speed to prepare bricks ready for a race. Shop him some foods, habitats, and minis… mingle with some other fluffy friends… addicting… oh! Right, really sounds funny…

            And again, there is nothing about Bricks!

            I been so passionate on updating my multiply, friendster and facebook account everyday. Update my facebook mood status and I do Check my horoscope and tarot cards every morning when I woke up. That’s it, my life… sounds boring but I personally love it.

Yeah, it is nothing but it is simply my only way to express myself “completely”. 

There, someone told me I’m crazy spending times with it. Who cares about my blogs and pictures anyway? Who cares about my mood and status? Who cares about my life? Who cares if I express myself or not? That’s so true, no one… but I do.

I guess this is just my way to help myself realized what is happening around me. Those things I ignore unintentionally and tend to recognize only when I write and update my mood… I then have the chance to fix it for my own good. See, it is just a way of surviving life.

Originally posted at 

cristymay.multiply.com