I thought the street of South Luzon Express way becomes blurry as it rains outside. But its not a heavy rain, not even enough to moist the ground dried by the summer sun so I put my eye glasses on to get rid of the fuzzy sight.My eyeglasses were not enough to restrain me from the flash-back of memories that started to occupy my crazy-invisible-world that made the whole picture out of my sight. I almost drowned to nowhere but our lil' chitchat of being a Beta Sigma Fraternity somehow spoiled another oddness of having a teary-eyed in a middle of a funny conversation.
We are heading to Nagcarlan, Laguna to pray. Seriously, this is not an ordinary road trip we used to have. Unlike the usual, I was hesitant to go. Its not because I'm sleepy though I am sleep-deprived but because I'm scared that this can be another invitation for an extra disappointment. And I heard myself saying "dare to dare" many times before I decided to get out of the bed to prepare. Yes! Dare to dare. I dare to stand up and face this uncertain world, to say a word of prayer, to hope that there is still life behind this darkness, to wait for an answer, to have faith in Him.
As I enter the Church of San Bartolome at Nagcarlan, Laguna my heart seems to melt. The first thing I prayed was "Lord, I am so sorry, please forgive me" an instinct, I guess. That instead of kneeling down and pray for our promotion so we can all wear a white shoes and attend to a patient on April 1st, I felt how bad a sinner I am. I feel like being punished because of my bad choices. Everything seems a penalty that I can't argue with. I pleaded guilty and accepted that everything around is meant to be. I forgot to pray for my personal intention.
Our Next stop was at Liliw Church, still part of Laguna. There, we found an area for meditation where believers can lit a candle. The colors of each candles in a drawer have a deep meaning: Pink for success, violet for forgiveness, green for good health, white for holiness, yellow for family, blue for wisdom, and red for strength.
With all my sincerity, I picked pink, blue, red and finally, the violet.
SUCCESS. I prayed that my choice of becoming a good physician someday is not a part of my mistake. *teary eye*. It hurts. Oh my God, I really hope this is meant for me but if it's not then I should be preparing myself for a tragedy to happen. Nothing is certain, I can't tell. I always believe there is always something for anyone of us. Roads will differ from one traveler to another. And now, despite of feeling lost I still believe I'll find a way to the right path. (NO, I honestly want to believe I'm walking on the right path.)
WISDOM. I asked for Wisdom that I may distinguish what is right from wrong. It's a prayer that I can develop the power to think outside the box. In my journey, I tend to be that traveler who thinks she is always right all the time and being corrected is not an option. Its all about me or the world against me.
STRENGTH. I asked for strength and courage so I may accept pain and failure as part of life. To understand my life is real and this is not a dream. That my prayer to bring me back to reality should not be ask anymore because I am already in my real world.I am not Cristy in Wonderland and I need strength to accept this fact.
And finally, I asked for FORGIVENESS. I prayed to be forgiven. I can think of nothing else to attain a peace of mind but to ask for forgiveness. But I do understand I was sinned fully thus I'll wait for the right time. I wished to wake up one morning conscience-free and can look at everybody's eye directly. It's been a long time that I started to run away from people I used to be with because of guilt feeling. It scares to be confronted with reality. I am not yet ready to be bombarded with questions, if there is, because I'm still on my search for an answer.
I also should be praying for anyone else, for my family, good health, people, countrymen. I should have pick all the candles in that drawer and pray for all. But forgive me for I'm taking new steps one at a time. Allow me first to be forgiven, have a peace of mind and be free of rage.
Let me shed tears to lessen my burden. Allow me to be myself--lonely and empty. I'll be fine in no time. Each pain is a step closer to Him.
God be with our journey.
My special thanks to Sis Aicee and Brod Lom :) for making the rest of the day fun.
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