Distraction Drama

5 more months...

I'll soon be taking the upcoming PLE 2015 on August. And I honestly not giving myself any other choices but to pass.

 Yes, I will definitely pass. Despite all the distractions that keeps on coming my way, and hinders my ability to focus. An overwhelming distractions, it is.

Lately, I found myself drowning in thoughts of giving up because I seem not to fit in. I struggled weighing on the thoughts of how and how not to give up. Nowadays, distraction is at its peak.

I am possessed with an old self trying to hide from everyone around whose life continues to progress while mine remain to where it was a decade pass. Because Seeing them becoming big made me little. Instead of having accepted it as a challange, i was somehow in some point became discouraged.

I also found myself walking away from everyone whom I thought could walk with me as I journey. Amidst, I seen them walking away from my place to a better one.

The truth is...before I even completely given up on my own life along with the dramas, there were some who gave up on me. It's okay. Really. Because my journey is not their journey. Not an obligation at all.

I feel bad being such a weak and for having a low self esteem, perhaps a lowest esteem one can have. And at times I wonder if becoming a full pledge physician,having the license I've been wanting (and needed as well)  would help me gain the kind of  self one could ever wish for.

The supposedly working under pressure with grace are way too far from my own world. Within me is a grumpy  spirit trying to poison my own dream. I may not admit this but its true. The fear of unbecoming at times remind me that I'm out of my way. But some times I have no idea where to go or how to  stop so I can go back maybe.

My old friend who once struggled the way I am struggling succeeded already--enjoying everything life could offer him. I even seen friends overcoming their fear, the fear that continues to scare me until now. I remain to be amazed with the changes happened and is happening to them. I'm more than a decade behind everyone I know (getting old). I still had the same issues, same drama, same burdens, same status--in all aspects.

I once read somewhere online the qoute "I have a degree to prove that I am broken". That was so my life. I'm not getting any younger, my daughter is growing up and instead of earning to live, I read books while I wait for our tables to be filled with foods and my pockets with peso to spend. Too sad.

Along with this, as someone from a typical Filipino family, some relative depends on me and my soon to be earnings. And I m also looking forward to become a giver.

 So Shame on me for making them wait this long only to give up.  One of the reasons I needed to consider why I should not be giving up. 

Months to prepare... All I need is to focus.

 I may told myself a thousand of times, even more, that i can no longer handle this kind of life. I sometimes wake up in the morning complaining. And I published blog entries on how tired i am of life.

Still, in some point of each of my struggling days, I always wanted to fight  and live. The way I always wanted to.

Nightmare

The Medicine Auditorium was occupied with Doctors from different departments gathered for an Anual Clinico Pathologic Conference when I arrived. It was an overwhelming crowd. I am actually contented being seated at the back where I had a perfect view of what everyone is doing.

Today I thought of my younger self, back in time when I am fuelled with determination. One fine young lady, I supposed, bursting with strong points and promises. I was once standing in front of the crowd voicing my eagerness to someday wear a white coat with a stethoscope hanging on my shoulder, top of this is completing my name with 2 letters added after my  father’s—M. and D.— letters that empowers a good reputation.

The Class prophecy I read in front of the crowd (which I personally wrote) was the only way I could tell the world that I have a dream—that I wanted to be someone if only given a chance. During those times, it was rather impossible for someone like me to afford a Medical School, and survive it as well.

I can specifically picture out how gloomy I was to be listed as BA Psychology when all I wanted was a Science Degree in Biology as a Pre-Med course even though I was not assured yet of pursuing Medicine. I finished BS Biology and Medicine too. I was always secured. I always believe in myself. I am strong. I was once undistracted.

Today as I return from a 6-day hiatus, I remember all these. I desire to be revived. I want to breathe once again, of good hope.  I need my nerve back.

But how can I possibly finish my end when I am, in reality suffocated with anger? There, I found myself running away from the auditorium after being reminded that I'm shattered. I fail to compose my intentions. I was made-up to regain my strength but still too weak.

I found myself crying as if this agony cannot be fought. What really hurts most is a part concealed until becomes a little obvious…that I’m losing myself along my fading dream.

Behind the Scene

I’ll be on my Duty post (this supposedly be every 3 days) at the Emergency Room which will likely last 26-30hours depending on whatever circumstances may come about—my fear is not to be able to manage emergency cases amidst exhaustion and being mentally drained; I am more distress on dealing with some people whom I wish I'm not working with.  

Life behind this profession can be likened to a life of a poor hearted lad whose downfall of other people is the one that is  keeping them high, whose weakness is keeping them even stronger, whose darkside made them shineout and each scar they reveal from people made them beautiful. Pathetic way of becoming great. Our degree wont make most us any kinder (to each other), that is one thing. 

If this is one of the thousand ways of surviving, I cannot argue then. For there is a need for each and everyone to come out, not just alive but great...by all means

I am not a  perfect kind. I at times can become mad. I guess, as long as we dont messed up during the play and we keep this all behind... we are all doing this good. 

Life behind this nobility...

I shall survive this. 

Going back

Four days and I wanted to count more (if I could still do that) but that would be impossible, even unnecessary. I've been out of my training for four days (leaving my team no notes) which is a clear evidence of how unbecoming I am. 


This is probably the nth time I did not stand firm for what I wanted to turn into. This is the nth time I tolerated myself to waste another piece of me.
I am not running away this time.

You know me by name, perhaps, you know part of my story

I had enough of this poor situation, weak heart, lost spirit. I’m heading my way to the journey I longed for.

I’m walking a little step backward because I crossed boundaries.  Those extra miles I had, perhaps, made me lost my direction.But today, I’m heading my way to the journey I longed for. 

Today I decided to be trained to be the woman whose hands are instruments to save lives. My days won’t be like the days of people around me. My training won’t be as easy and will never be a smooth sailing because I have a scar whose pain I know will persistently linger. 

For as long as I’m on the same ground with the same people to interact with, there will always be someone who will remind me of my flaws (unintentionally as they can be). My days will never be the same. Chances of random things may jog my memories that will awaken the pains that once brought me to my disgrace. 

There will be kind of days--difficult and tough. There will soon be days I’ll surely find myself in one corner deep breathing to ease tension that could probably kill my remaining hope.

This agony will definitely stay—but I’m decided to pick the broken pieces of me, pieces that will soon cause deeper cuts to stir-up consciousness.   

I resolved to be preoccupied with things I needed to regain whatever was lost.

I’m taking back every single thing that was taken away from me—that includes my self-respect, my moral, my reputation.

Under Control

Three weeks of mentally somewhere in the middle of nowhere and three days physically out of the hospital...crap this life!

Im on a battle of ignoring the life I made myself. This is actually way too complicated than what I expected. Big trouble out of a little fun. hey! Things should'nt be this serious!

Things like this, happens, the least you expect (Trying to justify my situation).

Its not as easy as saying "I dont care" because no matter how may times I utter those lines to convince myself, I get tortured by reality. I do care. I am affected by actions, voices, words, stares, treatments of each and everyone.

Tortured by the need of not letting people know that I am hurting. At the very least, not to let them know reasons behind. And each time they notice there is something wrong, I easily sugar coat sadness by saying "I'm just tired" making it easier for me to avoid explaining myself because no one will question why Im tired.

Hurting because I once fell. I'm pained. I'm trapped. And Im like the kind of a patient who"ll say "I can't remember what happen" to all your queries because I don't want to remember. Simple as that. Time,date, place, nature has nothing to do on how you will treat me, or perhaps, knowing things from me will only make you add more insult which will aggravate unwanted situations. So... what choice do I get? Neither wont be a help.

I'm keeping myself in silence, instead. Ignore things around me, act like Im not seeing things that causes my heart suffer, go on like I don't hear words  that is hurting. ---too weak to accomplished all these plans yet.

My only fear is replacing this pain with anger, i can probably punch someone's face then (someone who is not affected at all!) for being part of this craziness too (kidding).

I'm wearing my blazer on again, not today, tomorrow  maybe. I will.

Ill get use to this. Ill get use with people and things around me. I wont be jelous, wont be mad, wont be crazy.

I left myself with only one choice.  I'll deal with the consequences which I actually anticipated from the very start. I'm not making this my unfinished business. This will end.

Face the situation, accept what is needed, and move on.

Be brave, my dear self.




"You can't control your emotions, but you can control your action" 

SAHM: Stay-at-hospital/home-mother

My very own Princess

2 years, 8 months and 20 days being a mother to this lovely daughter, but there are only 332 days of which that I become a full-time hands-on mother to her. The rest of the days, I spent time at the hospital to take care of  other people. Pursuing an MD degree isn't easy. We had to stay in the hospital for a 24 hour duty, 10 more hours of from duty status at the hospital before heading ourselves home; so we're given a 14-hr rest (that includes spending time with your love ones too) then go back for another 10 hour pre-duty status at the hospital then another 14 hour rest before the next duty starts. Physically tired, sleep deprived, mentally drained and emotionally tortured.

Becoming a doctor is a tough decision. A decision you actually have to renew again and again each time you feel like giving up. 

Going home tired and sleepy to your daughter whom you know waited for you maybe the worst feeling especially that instead of using part of your 14-hour rest in playing with her, you needed to work on your reports that is due the next day. On the other hand, how exhausting is it in your part that instead of sleeping straight through the night you have to wake up every 2 hours because you needed to change diaper or make a milk formula. 

I almost give up. Perhaps I really did in some point. But I stayed. I stayed becoming a physician and stayed being a mother in the hope that someday I'll be good with both. I'll make a way to make it all work. 

I'm staying. Someday, sacrifices will make sense. 

Love affair

To cross the line and to go beyond the boundaries, that is what friends do: Two people enjoying the comfort being between a serious relationship and being just a simple friend. Such relationship do exists but how could that possibly be safe? Physically, emotionally, Spiritually, Socially and morally it is not healthy, obviously. It is beyond norms thus it is one of the relationships that you can never be proud of. 

How about being in a friends-with-benefits-zone while the two of you are in a serious relationship with someone else? Infidelity. It is way too complicated. Complicated relationship made even more complicated. Sounds sad. Sounds irritating. Sounds real.

Since our culture dictated us what is supposed to be the right relationship, anything beyond is considered unacceptable. A violence to each and everyone around, even a violence to people who has nothing to do in your life.

Behind the line "relationship just happened" is a deeper reason why people gets involved with one another. Whatever that is, who are we to judge them? 

Is it Love? Happiness? Security? Boredom? Hate? Insecurity? what then? 

We all have our reasons.  Love sometimes is not enough. You want to feel being wanted and accepted. You're just happy with that someone.  Perhaps, that physical attraction every single time your eyes met is way too strong that you can't resist. Any reasons do. Maybe, its a way of getting even to those who have hurt you. It can be just a plain curiosity.

Falling in love with someone else is a choice, falling out of love is also a choice, to keep the relationship is a choice, and what relationship to keep is as well a choice. But an affair is an affair, the choice to make it serious is uncertain. 

Standing between the boundary of a serious relationship and friendship is fun. but you can't stand there forever. While you are still in that boundary, there are things to remember:

• Don't fall in love. This is just an affair and this won't last. 
• Accept the fact that there is no real love in affair, if there is,  then it is no longer an affair. Hopes of leaving the primary relationship will never happen. If one of you does, THINK again.
• Expect something worse. You're cheating (yes! a serious act of cheating) so the one you cheated on can leave you anytime and you have no chance to save the relationship. you can be forgiven, you can't be trusted.
• Keep it a secret. This is a relationship you can never be proud of. No one will be proud of you and no one will praise you how good a cheater you are. Chances are, you'll soon be losing friends and getting their eyebrows raise. Wear that poker-face and act there is nothing between the two of you. 
• keep it simple. Since this is a no-strings-attached kind, there's no need to demand for anything especially for time and attention. So you shouldn't be complaining and there should be no explaining.
• No messages, no emails, no comments on social media, just nothing.
• Protect your health. This is not all about having fun in bed. Think of getting STDs. 
• You can't be jealous. You can't be emotionally involved. Go back to the first bullet

If you can't live with  guilt. Don't get involve! End it then, the soonest you can

Hello, Monday

When someone woke you up, call you at around three in the morning (having your phone set on a full-volume  annoying ring tone, if in cases of emergency), just to ask you "what are you doing?"... A not so good way to start a week, hey! today is Monday. That was sweet actually, how could they be so thoughtful?-- inviting you to eat something from the nearest convenient store because they're all worried you might be hungry after eating ampalaya and egg from the last night's dinner, not the usual food we had. But I'm sorry because I am totally pissed off. I Shut my cellular phone off and tried the hardest I can to calm myself so I can go back to a sound sleep. I somehow did.

and so my Monday madness started... Rock on!

Today, I am also going back from a long weekend of movie marathon to the radiology office where I am currently rotating. These days I'm spending half of my day trying to identify anatomy out of a black and white films and go home feeling mentally drained, oh headache! I was left reading Anatomy books.

The Photographer said "I like that smile, it's perfect"... yes! its the Photographer, and he needed to say those lines, actually!

Went to the Graduation Pictorial. One nice lady made my hair with all her patience, a young lady shaped my eyebrows into something I don't actually like, an obviously spoiled brat who happens to have an obsession on eyelashes (that was according to her mom) added a false eyelashes to mine, and a not-so-young-not-so-old make-up artist made the final touches. One chair after another. What was that all about?

The make-up artist mentioned clients, personalities (I'm not familiar with), experiences that tells everyone in the room she is actually a good artist. I heard a lot of marketing strategies like the usual: This one is better... Those were expensive products... you are actually paying us less (400php for the hair and make-up and 100php for the false eyelashes) than we deserve to receive because we wanted you to look better than you expect... I heard lines and lines and lines that would convince us they're good. I had my mouth shut all through out since I did not expect for a service likened to a high-end salon. Felt better then.

The photographer maybe 4-ft away from the subject uses an SLR camera, two studio lights, a black background, a chair. At the corner of the room is a mountain of shawls of different colors  that we could use as our formal dress, one toga that we pass on to the next person in line, and coat and ties for the men. Nine of us occupied that little office turned studio where we hardly move.Awkward! they don't even have the curtain where we can change. Aside from the 2350php we paid for the graduation package we still have to pay 300php for the extra shot and another 350php for all the copy of pictures saved on a CD. Goodbye 3600php, Sad face. 

Thank goodness for being in a circle of crazy people,  instead of complaining resolved to just laugh.

Tomorrow is another day, Tomorrow is no longer a Monday.

Hold on

I honestly wanted to write something that will make follower of this page (if there is, in any way who stayed) SMILE... but again, I'll write whatever is on my mind.

I used to be a full-time-stay-at-home-mama of one lovely daughter in a mission to make ordinary days extraordinary for a couple of months but then finally decided to pursue Medical School. From there, I don't know what exactly happened. Maybe, some "throwback" posts will soon be filling the gaps of my story. All I know right at this very moment is that I wanted to start sharing and reading blogs once again. I miss this writing whatever that is bugging me... since there  are a lot of them right now.  

I  ignore things, people, and situations. Easiest way I could  to make my journey easier. Let it be... let it pass... close my eyes...cover ears...take a deep breath from time to time... protect my heart if I can...and finally focus on things that will make me happy... You actually need to convince yourself   first that you'll be ignoring a lot of possibilities beforehand.

Recently, I learned from a friend the law of attraction which clearly states that every positive or negative event that happened with you was attracted by you. And so I tried... I realized it ain't easy at all! at the end of the day, when you are sad you still have to cry... no matter how strong you wanted the world to see you, you needed a corner. a hiding place maybe, where no one can see how scared you are over things you know they will never understand why. 

To be able to attract whatever you wanted to attract so you don't have to be that person you hated? I have no idea on "how's" yet, but I will be learning that in time.

One thing is for sure, if attracting positives won't be enough...  everything will work out for the best, holding on is always of good help. When I thought being that "crazy-lazy-future-MD" I used to label myself  became "going-to-be-MD-no-more"  hey, I'm on my way once again, this time I can't be that lazy, maybe still crazy but earned that MD. Thanks God. 

 

Never too late

The road I've chosen to become the woman I am, perhaps, is a long one.

I should have followed everyone else’s track who had chosen a straight path from a Pre-Medicine to Medicine proper but I didn't, not because I wasn't able to but because I don’t want to- I'm not even sure with that. 

My Med life has been complicated apart from the fact that pursuing the kind of career is difficult, expensive, uncertain, a sacrifice by itself.  

In some point I felt exhausted and had a job instead. I became an HR assistant who made sure that the comfort room of 200 employees was functional each day. I became a payroll-master which was obviously way too far from my interest but able to do extremely well because I want to prove myself that giving up med school was worthy.  Then I became a mother—I had one lovely daughter who just turned two this month. 

So I have no way to be pissed by questions like “Aren’t you in Residency training yet?!?” I can't be jealous with friends who graduated on time and is now seeing their own patients, My parents are supposedly proud of me by now showing off my name with an MD to relative and friends.

Then again, I was back in field and had my medical clerkship completed—almost.  I decided to be challenged and make sacrifices—sacrifice indeed.  Relationship with my partner has been through serious ups and downs which almost ended the wonderful side of this kind of life. Tough.

This journey is about to begin J the thing is, I already know which way to go. I am determined.

 

been blessed...

Hi everyone! I want you to meet my dear little princess... 

Ms. Charlotte Ivymarie E. Miranda

Birth Information

Date of Birth: August 4, 2011 by Caesarian Section

Place of Birth: Saint Gabriel Hospital (Arch. Gabriel Reyes St. Corner G. Pastrana St., Kalibo, Aklan

Time of Birth: 3:16 a.m

Birth Weight: 2.8 Kg

Birth Length: 48cm

Head Circumference: 33cm

You can always visit us anytime you want at http://tim-charlotteivymarie.blogspot.com

See you around :)

When death comes, I will never stand by your grave and I shall never weep

I saw all these things coming my way. Something I once desired while I was longing to live quietly…just quietly as quite as it could be for I know to live peacefully is something far beyond this way of life. I said I will never stand by your grave and I shall never weep. It is not my loss; never will be. For one good reason, I can never lose something that is not mine… You were never mine, I was never yours—the only certain about the two of us.

There are things that cannot be

Again, allow my honesty to be part of this ranting…

How could these things be possible? I crushed myself into the finest pieces that I could be to mold a brand new self. I exhausted myself running so when I ran out of air, I can breathe new ones.  I dropped thousands and tons of tears not to cleanse my soul but for me to be able to walk burden-free… so to envision life ahead of me. Did I fail? Did I?

I desired for nothing but of your death, by death I mean not to bury you six feet under the ground. I desire not of death alone that could vanish your existence but the downfall of walls we created for a supposed backbone of us, the same walls that imprisoned us for years and eventually walls that separated us.

It's been years we've chosen which side of wall to go--I went on the other side while you stayed--we freed ourselves from the worst that could happen. With that, we are both our own heroes.

Gone are the walls, weakened by time. But the dust blown by the wind as it falls down had stirred up the once forgotten emotion—hate and disgust overpowers us. Perhaps, this is what it takes if you create a wall out of a rotten reality. It all falls back to you. Chances are, you will inhale every dust of it and little by little will suffocate you until you find yourself floating down to the dumps.

Have I really been running away my life? Maybe I was just there on the other side of the wall waiting for it to fall down for me to see how far you have moved. Partly, I was there laughing my ass out to create atmosphere that could fan the flames of pain on your side. Perhaps on one part or another, you did exactly the same thing for me. I do not know.  But I guess that is not how we're playing the game. We actually started to live our own lives and finally we found the right person for each other. 

Well, to my surprise I never imagined this could be hard, irritating in a way--why am I so bothered hearing your wedding bells anyway? I should know, you can't actually stay alone right there. You're weak. 

Things are getting clearer our way, reality just sinks in--we been living our lives without each other anymore.

As the walls had fallen apart I saw the death I been waiting my life.  The superficial pain now on its deepest and I found myself trying to ease the pressure. One thing I could assure myself of, this time there will be no shattering, crushing, running, and crying. I had enough of it.

The death is here…starting to furnish each others disappearance…cleaning up!  a little more dust to sweep along the way…and everything will be good. I believe